Morning Walk .... :-}

Since it is the year end break, I have changed my walking schedule. The swelling soft tissue on my right foot is ...well ... swollen. There is nothing the doctor can do except give me pain killers and something to reduce the swelling. Yet, it does not work because I cannot rest my foot. I still have to go about my errands, responsibilities, obligations and commitments. During school, it is abused by climbing up and down the stairs. Now it is standing for long hours as cashier at the shop.... Thus, to strengthen the soft tissue I have to exercise it. Hence, the slow morning walk again .... Pain yet I feel good as I am doing something ....

I used to do my evening walk during working days. Now since I go to the shop at 10am, I disciplined myself to go early in the morning. Nowadays it has been raining every night so the next morning, the air is so fresh and clean. I love it as it is so invigorating and I feel good. I leave the house after my morning ritual of prayers and reciting the Quran. I try to go as early as I can so that I can get a parking slot nearer the park. I always thought 6:45am is early but the "hard core" walkers, joggers and other groups are already there in droves..... The park is a hive of activities and I dare say most of them are senior citizens and retirees .... Ha...Ha...now I feel that I am one of them. Hmm ... welcome to the club ... soon...very soon ...insyaAllah.... :-))  I feel so old among them ...

After the walk which takes up about an hour of travelling to and fro with two rounds of relaxing walk ... I drop by any shops available to buy my breakfast and newspaper..... I am not losing any weight with the slow walk but I do hope it helps to strengthen the swollen soft tissue ....

One of the many groups doing their morning routine ....

There are 3 groups here - different coloured T-shirts - doing their daily routine faithfully ... I wish I have their energy, health  and tenacity to be so disciplined ....

Message In A Bottle - Nicholas Sparks

”This is not a good-bye, my darling, this is a thank-you. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go.”  

Garret wrote as a means of letting out his feelings of loss of his wife, Catherine. When the grief overwhelmed him and threatened to choke him, he wrote out his feelings, rolled it nicely and put it into a bottle. He then threw it out into the vast ocean as he had no address to send to. For over 3 years, he did that whenever he could not control his sense of deep loss. It was an outlet for him. What he never expected was the bottles were found and the letters read, kept and published. 

Theresa, a single mother with a twelve year old son, found one such bottle during her walks on the beach while on holiday. She picked it up and discovered the letter. She read it and had a good cry as the letter was beautifully written from the depths of the writer's heart.

“The letter obviously came from the heart. And to think that a man wrote it! In all her years, she had never received a letter even close to that ......... What would such a man be like? she wondered. Would he be as caring in person as the letter seemed to imply?” 

 “Immediately after reading it, she had read it again, then a third time. What would it be like, she mused, to have someone love her that way?” 

Being a journalist, she published the letter as it had human interest. Thus, she received a call about another letter of the same line. And a third letter from another place. Her curiosity was piqued and she began her journey of tracking down the writer if just to know what he was like. He seemed like a man who loved wholeheartedly. Theresa, bruised from a divorce due to infidelity and dishonesty, wondered if such a man still existed. 

They met and without planning it, they fell in deeply love like two lost souls brought together. Being in a long distance love affair was trying as it was. But at the end of the day, Garret had to confront his own demons as he could not let Catherine go. They broke up reluctantly as Theresa could not compete with a shadow deeply embedded in his mind and heart. Garret dreamt of Catherine as he tried to face his own guilt ....

“Upon hearing my answer, she smiled at me with patient amusement, the way she used to before she died. “Oh, Garrett,” she finally said as she gently touched my face, “who do you think it was that brought the bottle to her?”

He finally wrote a final letter of goodbye to Catherine and another letter to Theresa asking for a second chance. He went out to sail to send Catherine's bottle but he never came returned. Theresa found out his death through Jeb, Garret's father. She finally found out the reason why he went out to sea when he knew that a storm was brewing through the letter that was addressed to her 2 weeks after his death. Garret was a professional sailor as he was involved with diving business. It took a year for Theresa to gather up herself and finally she wrote a letter thanking Garret for teaching her to love again. She too, let the bottle out into the sea ..... 

"After reading the letter for the last time, Theresa rolled it up and sealed it in the bottle. She turned it over a few times, knowing that her journey had come full circle. Finally, when she knew she could wait no longer, she threw it out as far as she could.

It was then that a strong wind picked up and the fog began to part. Theresa stood in silence and stared at the bottle as it began to float out to sea. And even though she knew it was impossible, she imagined that the bottle would never drift ashore. It would travel the world forever, drifting by faraway places she herself would never see.

When the bottle vanished from sight a few minutes later, she started back to the car. Walking in silence in the rain, Theresa smiled softly. She didn’t know when or where or if it would ever turn up, but it didn’t really matter. Somehow she knew that Garrett would get the message."

It is a beautiful story. I hate sad endings as it makes me cry and cry...... 

I, too, write out my feelings of frustrations, uncertainties, dissatisfaction, unhappiness and loneliness but I do not send them out to sea in a bottle. I write them and save them in the draft of my blog and e-mail. By now I have lots of it ..... it is what is called "self-help" therapy ... :-}}

These are old publications of Nicholas Sparks novels. I have always wanted to read them but never got the time and mood. Hmm ... back to the question ... are we able to love deeply with our whole heart and soul devoted to only one person ????? 

Carrot Walnut Cake ... ;=D))

Akmal is home. Just as when any of the boys are home for their semester break, I will fill up the fridge with their favourite food and snacks, usually home made... :-))

Since I have a pot luck at my staff room to welcome the school holidays, I decided to try the carrot cake just to bring something different. As Akmal ate anything even with vegetables, so I was game to try again this cake which I tried a couple of years ago. This time I wanted to try the cheese topping. So, this was the result ....

The slice carrot walnut cake with the messy cheese topping ...

I honestly did not like the cheese topping because it would not harden like the ones from the bakery. So, when the staff ate it and I asked for comments especially from the ERT teachers, they said if I wanted to harden it, I have to add gelatine. Oh well, they said it was nice but I was not satisfied .... so I think I will not try it again ... ;-0))   Besides .... nobody is home when Akmal goes off at the end of the month .... and the other two guys do not like anything with vegetable in it ....

Trifle Pudding ... :-))

Well, another successful experiment .... I came across this recipe when I wanted to make something different for Noor's birthday. So, I tried and made this because he and Ikram loved desserts. Then, I tried and modified it and made it into small, individual containers so that it was easier for me to give to others ... as usual.... ;-))

Thus, I added in the mix fruit cocktail juice and squeezed in a bit of lemon into the jelly so that the pudding was a balance of sweet and sour taste. It was scrumptious ... and I have given them to other friends to share them .... what we like is doubly satisfying if it is shared ... simple philosophy in life.

Individual containers so that it is easier to give away and to be eaten ....

The upside down pudding - just to show the layers of swiss roll cake, custard, mix fruit cocktail and jelly ....

It is best eaten chilled, of course. The guys love it. Those who have the honour of testing it also love it especially the blend of sweet and sour taste..... :-))  makes me feel good as so many have enjoyed this simple but special pudding. You can easily get the recipe from the internet. This is definitely another in the list of comfort food .... cooling, sweet and sour, delicious and comforting.... yummy ...

Since Akmal is home, there is somebody who wants to eat all these desserts. Thus, he eats one everyday. There's the almond rocher chocolates. All made by mummy dearest ... :-))  He has said that he wants 4 bottles (100 pieces) of cookies to bring back for his buddies in KK. Yet, he is complaining that he is getting fat ..... hmmm... mum is at fault !!!!

The Notebook - Nicholas Sparks

It is such a beautiful touching book. Written in simple, conversational dialogue right from the heart. It touches my heart and soul. I read it and I felt for Allie and Noah. It crossed my mind of my complicated situation - "What if ...?" 

Do such deep, undying love still exist? Allie and Noah fell deeply in love one summer. She was 15 years old and Noah was seventeen. They were separated due to status in the society. Over the years, what she did not know was Noah wrote to her letters every day for a year. When she never replied, Noah wrote one last letter professing his deep love for her. Allie, on the other hand, thought that Noah was just playing with her emotions and made used of her. The letters were taken and hidden by her mother. She waited for almost 14 years before decided to accept a marriage proposal. The war separated them with Noah enlisted in action and Allie volunteered as a nurse at a war camp. When Allie saw an article on Noah's house, she decided to return and close this chapter of her life before she got married in 3 weeks time. Noah never got married. 

When they finally met up, all they discovered was the reality that they had never stopped loving each other. Her fiancee came to confront her and she had to make a choice. Choosing Noah would hurt and embarrassed her family, society and status as she was from the higher caste. She would be giving up living the luxury life she was used to, her status in her society confirmed with the marriage to an old family and her family would be a notch higher in the caste system of the south. She would be safe but dull, boring and half alive. Choosing her fiancee meant she would be giving up her love and her dreams. Noah made her feel alive, excited, comfortable, content and her dreams to be a painter supported and encouraged. 

Her mother came and gave her all the letters that Noah had written. She chose to read the last letter. Her mother gave her parting words - "Follow your heart."  She thought she heard wrong because her mother was the one who was really status-conscious. Allie finally chose Noah and gave up everything. They led a happy, beautiful life of for 45 years. Until she was diagnosed with the early stages of Alzheimer's.

Thus, began the notebook. They wrote about their feelings, what they had gone through together, their love, their children .... all their lives ... before she started to forget. Allie booked them into a Home together. Noah was also starting to have acute athritis and rheumatoid of the fingers. He was also suffering from cancer. When she started to become worse with the disease and her memory no longer served her, Noah began reading to her the notebook everyday. He spent all his time with her and only went back to his room at night. She thrived and sometimes remembered. The Home loved their love story. When doctors were baffled by her stable condition, the nurses believed that their love sustained her. For two years he read to her about their life although she did not even know who he was. Yet they were compatible and content in each other's company.

Finally, when Noah had a stroke and was hospitalised, he fought back the pain by keeping the memory of Allie to pull him back so that he could still be by Allie's side and reading their live's story to her. One night, he sneaked into Allie's room, sat by the bed and held her hand. Noah also hoped that he would be the last to go so that Allie would not be alone .... they died still holding hands ...

I had a good cry and felt warm inside. What if at that time of my life .... if I had confronted "him" when he was engaged to be married, would he had chosen Allie's path? Did "he" love me enough to throw everything away? It was an arranged marriage. Disregarding it would be a shame on his family and his fiancee. No, I don't think "he" would do that. Responsibility and commitment constraint one's choices in life. It was just meant to be ... life has already been dictated by Allah.

Wouldn't it be so sweet if we had a love that could sustain us physically, emotionally and mentally? A love where we could not bear even the thought of being apart? A love sustained and gained over the years? A love where both understood each other that no words were needed? 

Yet, in this world and society of ours, we accept. We lived and made the best of the situation. We love our partners as they have gone through a lot with us. Love NOT in love. Hence, the emptiness is there. The loneliness is there. The acceptance makes life bearable. At the end of the day, we realise that some people are meant to live in our hearts but not in our lives .....

Another year older ... :-}}

Contentment. Kindness. Acceptance. Grateful. Letting go. Bidding farewell. Most of all feeling blessed. That is what I am feeling at this moment of my life. Blessed by the Almighty Allah. Blessed with so much abundance and love. Shielded from hate and envy. Consideration and compassion. Empathy and sympathy.

On this birth day, where actually our lives are shortened and not prolonged, I am counting my blessings and grateful for every little things that cross my path of living. For every thing which makes my life easier. For every thoughtfulness and kindness bestowed upon me and my family. For every trials and tests faced with given patience and strength. For every love that can be felt but not touched. For every tear that is kissed away. For every hug that comforts. For every meeting that binds the relationship and friendship. For every farewell that promises of future meet ups. For every pain that soothes the soul. For every breath that is given daily. For a good night's sleep. For every thing that I do that helps others. "Which of the favours you deny Allah?" (Surah ar-Rahman)

I hope in the course of this year, I have done my bit of spreading and giving kindness to every single creature of Allah's creation whether big or small. Whether human or otherwise. I have become more patient. I hope I have become more giving. I hope to be a much a better person than I am today. InsyaAllah. I hold on to this adage - "If I am able to make another's life easier, why wouldn't I?"  Even if it is only through my smile, gestures or actions.

So, this birthday is a day of being kind. being grateful and feeling blessed. Alhamdulillah. I guess being in such a melancholic and nostalgic mood is due to the rain. I love the rain .... :-))  Thus, hoping today is a blessed and meaningful day ....

Finally, at the end of the day, I hope I have done what should be done ... I have not hurt others intentionally or otherwise .... I have done what good unto others as I would like others do good unto me ... I have apologised for all the wrongs that I cannot make right ... I have fulfilled promises made ... I have loved those who loved me .... I have not hated anyone with such resentment .... I hope I have been a good servant, a follower, wife, mother, sister, friend, colleague, staff, acquaintance and stranger..... :-))

"Oh. It's November."

I love this picture. Especially the caption. "Oh." It comes with a full stop. Not a comma as the usual punctuation used after an expression. Not even an exclamation mark. Or a question mark. But a full stop. A definition. A finality. A quiet surprise. Not a happy surprise. Not a shocking surprise. Not even an unpleasant one. Just an accepting, awakening expression. "It's November."

My month to reflect and look back at the past ten months of 2014. Perhaps with a lot of smiles. Maybe a few tears and sorrow. Could be with a tinge of regret. Or frustrations. Desperation. Hopes. Dreams. ..... I have another 11 days to do some soul-searching and deep reflection of myself. My life. My hopes. My dreams. My wishes for the next year .... if I am given another year.

So, it is November.... after the grouses, moans, groans, despair .... albeit the tears and sorrow ... interspersed with smiles, laughter, jokes and grins .... let us pray and hope Allah will grace me with a much relaxed count down to my "day" .... ;-)) 

Thus, November, I welcome you with an open heart, mind, soul and outstretched hands ...  ;-))

Loneliness- It's All About The Mind ;-))

Noor left for Africa last week. It was a hectic month preparing for his departure. His DM just called one day i.e. a month ago and told him to be prepared to leave for SIngapore a few days later for a briefing from their franchising office there. It was going to be a day trip. Since it was a Friday, I tagged along and sent him off to the KLIA2. Later that evening, I went back to KLIA2 to pick him up and proceeded to Melaka to send Ikram back to his campus. After that, it was a nerve-wrecking experience of looking for the yellow fever vaccine as it was one of the conditions for the visa to be approved. After asking the doctors here, we contacted WIsma Putra who helped us with information on the availability of the vaccine. The vaccine was not given easily. Hospital Pantai KL was the only one who had the vaccine in its stock. Other Government hospitals that kept it were only for Government personnels departing for Africa or South America. The hospital required Noor's appointment letter before releasing the vaccine. It cost RM422 just for one shot. :-}} He wanted me to go with him everywhere he went even to his office.  :-))  As Syafiq's favourite life principle - "Sharing is Caring"  ha...ha...ha.... :-D 

That left the shop's daily administration. I told him that would not be a problem since he had one reliable staff. Syafiq would be on semester break for a month in October. Akmal volunteered to take leave for two weeks in November. In between that, I was sure the staff and I could cope somehow. I had never been involved in the running of the shop .... :-)) Thus, it was arranged that he did not take anybody to monitor the shop. The boys were trained to help out at the shop since their teens. So, it was not a problem for them.

So, finally after receiving the travelling itinerary, he was really going. Noor was actually excited, nervous, afraid and a mixed feeling of leaving. I had done my best as a wife, partner and friend. Besides giving him support, encouragement and accompanying him almost everywhere to settle his leaving .... I expected nothing from him. He had never been out of the country for a long stretch of time either for leisure or professional reasons. We could keep in touch via messenger or e-mail.
I had done and given my best. My prayers go to him daily for his well-being and being in Allah's grace.

And the person to be alone with is ... ME !!!! :-))

"Everybody needs a little time away ..."

What A Break !!!!

Last September mid-term break I decided to give myself a much deserved treat. I wanted to give time to ME. I wanted to be selfish for myself. I refused to do anything. Any house chores. Any school work. It was only a week's break anyway. The week before I was busy following Noor to KL and back to send him off to SIngapore for his briefing and sending Ikram back to his campus. Thus, without any feelings of guilt, I declared myself on holiday!! Ha..Ha..Ha.. :-))  Anyway, there was only the two of us.

I told Noor I am not going to do any cooking. Or marketing. I would meet him at the shop about 6pm and we would go and have an early dinner. Sometimes, I am amazed with this man. He agreed and let me do what I wanted. I made caramel pudding without eggs. I made almond rocher. I fried keropok. I bought fruits. These were the snacks that I had during my self-declared stayed home holiday. 

I chose some of the books I had bought but had no time to read. I woke up for early dawn prayers and went back to sleep. I woke up late and went out with Noor for brunch. Then, I went home, snuggled on the couch with a book and read until I slumbered off dreaming of whatever I was reading. I woke up and had a snack of whatever was in the fridge. It was raining practically every evening that I took myself out to the porch and sat there with a cup of steaming hot tea and the container of keropok. I breathed in the cool, refreshing air, munched the keropok and continued with my reading. I read a heavy novel "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hoessini. I managed to read a light story "If only Airports Could Talk". After night prayers, I usually curled up in my bed with another book and turned on "Lite FM". I was on my own. Alone most of the time as Noor only came home after 11pm. Yet, I always had company in the books, the music, my prayers, my Quran ... 

I was alone but never lonely. It was only a 5 day break as we had to go to KL again to settle his vaccination and application for visa. Yet .... it was the ideal holiday that I had always wanted. Nevertheless, it would be much pleasurable if it was a beach resort, somebody to feed me .... hmmm...too good to be true. Maybe one day .... anyway, it was a blissful holiday !!!!

Di Sini Lahirnya Sebuah Cinta - Merdeka ke 57

It's another Merdeka day today. 57th year to be exact. So, how did you spend yours? Despite the MH17 and MH370 incidents, we still celebrated our National Day albeit in a more sombre mood. Well,  I love being a Malaysian. What I had witnessed today solidified the feeling of solidarity, unity and love for this diversified, multi-cultural, multi-religion and at present, the cracks of segregation of races. So, how did I spend today?

I went to watch the Merdeka parade in town after a lapse of soooo MANY years i.e since the boys left for boarding school. :-D)) I walked through the throngs of crowd of adults, children, teenagers, youths of all races. I walked slowly and just enjoying myself walking alone among them as if I was a tourist in town. I observed the patience of those taking part in the parade (I assumed they must had gathered since 7:00am). What gained my utmost respect was the pride and respect the simple people had for their state and country. You see, the crowd was just sitting along the sidewalks and whatever places available along the royal stage. When the emcee announced the arrival of the Tunku Temenggong of Kedah and the TUDM band started to play the state anthem, some of the people in the crowd started to stand up. To my pride and amazement, ALL the people in the crowd stood up to attention until the band completed playing the "Negara Ku". Then, slowly, they sat down and made themselves comfortable to watch the parade. It gave one a satisfied feeling of pride and belonging.

I took photographs and I especially enjoyed the school bands. The participants in the parade walked out in pride and discipline. I could not take all the photos especially by the KMSC (Kedah Motor Sports Club) which paraded their cars, all types of bikes ... ), the vintage bicycles of even the postmen of yesteryears where the crowd called out "Posto! Posto!" .... ;-D)) due to the glaring sun. It was a scorching hot day after a few days of heavy downpour. I was facing the sun thus, whatever photos I took would be in a shadow.When a man in P. Ramlee's costume cycled down the parade, some of the crowd were singing out one his old songs .... I love the this year's theme - Di sini lahirnya sebuah cinta - part of the lyrics from Sudirman's (my favourite singer) song " Warisan".

It was a fun, enjoyable, exciting and full of pride day. I had not watched and enjoyed a fulfilling Merdeka day for so long. Alhamdulillah ... for a peaceful, calm and lovely country. HAPPY MERDEKA DAY MALAYSIA !!! May all of us, the people of Malaysia, learn to appreciate and love our own country. Learn to preserve its uniqueness and openness to embrace all its people as ONE Malaysian regardless of race, religion, beliefs or faiths.

One of the girls' school bands

Looking resplendent in their attire and putting their best feet forward

Marching with a message - "Save Gaza"

I have always loved the army - so disciplined ....

The TUDM band ..

The Boys' school band

Eid-ul Fitri 1435H / 2014M

This year Aidil Fitri celebration was much blessed. For the first time in so many years, we managed not to celebrate Aidil Fitri along the highway. We managed to arrive at Noor's kampung while people were getting ready for the Raya prayers. So, we stopped by the mosque and joined the others for prayers. I managed to meet most of my in-laws and some of his relatives. After a visit to the cemetery next to the mosque, we went to Batu Berendam to visit my sisters. We stopped by my parents' graves in Peringgit. For the longest time, I sat at their graves thanking and grateful to Allah to let me be here on Aidil Fitri itself. It completed my Raya celebration. Usually I would only be able to visit them the next day or before we left for Alor Setar again.

What was so blessed? This year I managed to celebrate Hari Raya at my sisters' houses. I got to eat ketupat daun with sambal kelapa courtesy of Wah (only Wah could make this dish authentic as Mak used to do it). I went to visit my old neighbourhood and walked down the familiar yet so different background. My sisters, Hamid and I visited our old uztazah, Quran teacher and next door neighbour. It was a great time guessing what our names were. My whole siblings were under their tutelage. We owed them a lot for our religious studies. My boys accompanied me.

This year, for the first time. I cooked for my in-laws. Since Noor did not plan to visit any of his relatives, I volunteered in the kitchen to give time out to my sister in-law to go out visiting and celebrate Hari Raya. I cooked for them lontong and sambal kacang. The next day I cooked for them the requested nyonya curry mee much to the satisfaction and delight of my in-laws and the children. I had never cooked such a large amount before i.e. 3 chickens, 3 packets of yellow noodles, 2 packets of spaghetti for those who did not like noodles and a packet of kue teow for Akmal. Otherwise, I played host and the boys made the drinks and helped to clear out the kitchen. We only left at night for Rina's (my niece in Peringgit) open house.

This year, due to Abang's death, put things in perspective for Noor that he extended his leave to accommodate visiting my side of the family. We went to KL and visited Kak Ita (Abang's wife) and Kak Zizah in Keramat. We went to visit Kak Che Mah at Taman Tun Dr. Ismail and got to meet up with Kak Era and Abang Salim. I managed to meet Suraya, my youngest, reclusive and estranged sister. Somehow, I could get along with everybody and she called me up the stairs to catch up. Finally to Abang Omar's house in Subang for dinner. They had not seen my boys since they were just kids. They were taken aback with the age and size of their nephews!!! I may not get an opportunity like this next year as Hari Raya we are subjected to Noor's side of the family. And most of all, I got to meet up with Mak Besah, Abang Omar's mother in-law aka Kak Dilah's mother. She must be more than 80 years old, petite and almost deaf but she could remember who I was after more than 7 years. Even Noor was impressed that she could recognise him as she had problems with her eyes. I could only recite Alhamdulillah, MasyaAllah and SubhanAllah. Thank you Allah.

"Maka nikmat Allah manakah yang kamu dustakan?" A much blessed Aidil Fitri. Even if there is no next year's visit, I am grateful for this one time as all my boys are here to meet up with their uncles and aunties from my side. Thus I will not have to answer Ikram's question -  "Whose house is this?" .... and they would recognise my sons if they happen to meet each other. InsyaAllah.

Abang in memory .... 2

I visited Abang almost every time I was down in KL. Either using public transport or if Noor was driving...I went to visit him with Noor, my sons or my sisters. During the last visit which I went with Kak Hajar, Ikram and Syafiq, there were signs he was trying to tell us. Even though his speech was still hoarse, when he said these words, it was very clear. He said it as a matter of fact and was looking at me as if I would understand. Surprisingly, I understood him what he meant very well. Kak Hajar was unclear about it until I explained to her what Abang meant. He said "Abang dah 71 tahun tau. Tak lama dah lagi."  I told him I knew. What he meant was Bapak died at the age of 71. Mak died at the age of 71. His mother passed away much younger due to cancer. As usual, we usually just ignored what the sick said and did not pay much attention to it. He was a good man and did his duty as a brother and head of the Aziz family with all their idiosyncracies and temperaments as well as he could.

Allah made everything so smooth for him. He passed away on 17 Ramadhan (19 JULY 2014) or "Nuzul Quran". A special date for the Muslims. I had just completed my 3 days duty as examiner for SPM oral for private candidates at Hotel Seri Malaysia. I reached home about 1:00pm. Rested before I started to prepare something for "iftar" and was having a nap when the phone rang. I had not even unpacked my bag. It was from Kak Hajar. I was quite disoriented being woken up from my nap and the news took some time to sink in. It was almost 4:00pm. The first thing that came into my mind was my oral centre the next day where I was the chief examiner. Going home was not an option. I called Noor and told him I was going home as soon as I could. He said he would try to settle everything and we could leave as soon as possible. I called Fakaruddy (my ULKCP chief) to inform him of my situation and he told me to go home. He would take over my place as chief examiner. It was not easy to get one at an instant so he volunteered. Alhamdulillah for friends. ....

We finally left about 6pm. I drove. I needed to do something to focus so that my mind would not think about the sudden demise. As I was driving, the tears just rolled down that it was blurring my vision. Noor asked if I was okay and I said yes. We arrived at Wah's house about midnight as we made stops for breaking fast and prayers. There was no rush as the funeral was the next morning. Kak Hajar, Abang Zul and Nadia had already arrived from Camerons. Kak Ti and Kak Leha with their families stayed at a hotel near Ampang. We were all so tired. When we woke up for our dawn meal (sahur) we recited the surah Yaasin  for Abang.

By 9am, we convoyed to Abang's house in Keramat and went straight to the mosque nearby. There they held a the usual rites of bacaan surah Yaasin, tahlil, solat jenazah and finally prayers by Uztaz Habib Ali. Abang was one of the founders of Pondok Jenderam near Dengkil, a centre for the studies of Quran and religion. Thus, there were many representatives, friends, families, neighbours and strangers who came. We went to the cemetery (Taman Perkuburan Ampang) right in the heart of Kuala Lumpur. The cemetery was surrounded by high rise buildings of KLCC, hotels, banks and other institutions.

Tanah Perkuburan Ampang, KL - the crowd whom escorted Abang to his grave. Women were not allowed on the graveyard until all the rites had completed. That was Abang's wish. So, we waited until the men had dispersed before we went to his grave to offer our prayers ...

It was a cloudy and gloomy weather but there was no hint of rain. Abang got his wish to be buried next to his mother's grave. Everybody was solemn but there were no tears of acute grieving. Just silent tears rolled down the cheeks when we felt the sadness of the occasion. We let him go, our first sibling, who was 71 years old and who was a pious and religious person with our thoughts, love and prayers. I will always include him in my daily prayers for my parents. Hopefully, make a yearly visit to Kak Ita ... my sister in-law so that she would not feel isolated from the family. May Abang rest in peace .... Al-fatihah for Abang, Bapak and Mak. Aamiiin.

Abang in memory - 1943 - 2014

I have 5 half-siblings and 12 siblings of my own. We share the same father. Our age gap is vast ranging from 10 years to over 20 years. Abang could have been the father figure of my younger siblings. Suraya, the youngest of us all is 42 years old which means that her age difference with Abang is 29 years !!! The age difference between Abang and I was 18 years old. My family is old .... Abang had no children of his own. He had one adopted son whom he adopted when he was already in his fifties. Thus, Ridhwan is only 24 years old - recently graduated and has just started a new job when Abang was admitted. The poor, young man had to grow up fast. Yet, with Abang Omar's guidance ... insyaAllah, he will be able to cope with the loss, his new job and take care of his adopted mother.

Abang was first admitted to Kuala Lumpur hospital last December 2013. Partly the reason why our annual "cuti-cuti cari makan" last year was centred around KL/PJ area. He had shortness of breath and was admitted for observation. We went to see him during Munir's wedding reception after we returned from Sabah for Akmal's convocation. When we went for the first time, he was sleeping so I did not enter the CCU ward to see him. Later, he was sent to Prince Court hospital for diagnosis as HKL took some time about it. Since Abang Omar had a friend there, he was sent there. Abang was as stubborn as Bapak was (I guess it runs in the family .... :-}) but he had no say in the matter anymore. When he was confirmed with blockages of his heart, Abang Omar decided to contact friends with National Heart Institute (IJN). When we visited him before his by-pass, he was still his usual self - soft - spoken, calm and just being "Abang" .... That was the last happy photo we took together when he was smiling and still looked healthy.

Slowly, his health deteriorated. After the by-pass, which was a success, he snatched out the tubes in his throat in his semi-consciousness state causing it to be injured and badly scratched. Thus, he lost his power of speech as he could only talk in a hoarse whisper. We had difficulty in understanding him and he was frustrated when he could not relay his thoughts. His lungs were infected. Since IJN could not handle the lungs, he was then transferred to Gleneagles hospital. There he underwent observation for his lungs. Abang Omar transferred him there for faster treatment. He was in the ICU for almost 2 weeks before he was transferred to the normal ward. Later, when everything was  stabilised, Abang could return home. Abang Omar hired two private nurses to take care of him round the clock as Kak Ita also had her own health issues. When he had problems with his diabetes, he was sent to University Kebangsaan Hospital (HUKM) where he also underwent speech therapy. Thus, during my last visit to him in June 2014, he could speak much clearly and he was audible to us. He returned home for almost a fortnight before shortness of breath caused him to be readmitted. According to Kak Che Mah, they went to visit him in the morning, left him to rest and Zohor prayers as it was Ramadhan, and he was already gone. It was so fast and easy. Kak Che Mah and Abang Omar were dissatisfied and questioned Abang's private nurse but he could only say that it was very fast. The doctors could not do anything much. The nurse called them to inform them about Abang's passing. Abang's final stay in the hospital was only for one night. He passed away with no family except for his private nurse who had been taking care of him for almost 2 months. The 2 young male nurses did 12 hour shifts to monitor and personally gave their best, tender and professional care.

It was worth it .... :-))

This is the final Melaka house painstakingly, lovingly and wholeheartedly made by Zin for Abang. Abang had commissioned to make one for him. Zin had made 2 so far and this was the final one.  While ZIn was modifying and fine-tuning it, he was wondering if he had enough time. Abang was already in and out of hospitals. Zin wanted to make this the best he could for his half-brother. We may not be close but we respect and accept each other. Finally, he managed to send it to Abang when he was back home at Taman Keramat.

When we visited Kak Ita, Abang's wife, during the Raya break, I was impressed with this model house. The roof could be opened to see the layout inside. Zin had also created the stairs leading to the attic. It was a fine and intricate workmanship. The windows and doors could be opened. It was a traditional Melaka house. Kak Ita said Abang spent the last week of his life looking at the house every day. He told Kak Ita about the house, whose rooms were upstairs and down stairs, the attic, the memories he had when he was there. Their wedding and other weddings that were held there. Mak Cik's death. Bapak's death. Kak Ita said Abang spent a lot of time in his wheel chair just playing with the house. Letting his nostalgic memories created a smile on his face. Kak Ita was thankful to Zin for completing the house on time and sent it to Abang before he passed away.

Yes, Zin. It was worth it. The model house made Abang happy and I supposed reminded him of Bapak. He had done his best as a big brother as he knew how. Now, let us pray that he is at peace with himself and with his Creator. Aamiiin.....

My prayers go to Makcik ...

Mala's mother aka Hamid's mother in-law had safely undergone her by-pass operation at Penang hospital on 10th July 2014. When Mala smsed me about it I was so worried for her. All I could do was told Mala to give her a big, tight hug from me. I could picture her serene, calm face and her quick smile. It was a Thursday. Every Thursday my school will hold a surah Yaasin recital at 7:15am before the morning assembly. So, on that morning, I recited the magical surah for her, Abang, my mother in-law, my late parents, my boys and also for an old friend who was celebrating his birthday today. Mala smsed later that she had already entered the operating theatre at 11:00am. I offered a prayer for a successful surgery. Mala smsed again that Makcik finally came out of the operating theatre at 6:00pm. The doctors discovered more than 2 blockages. She finally regained consciousness at around 2:00pm on Friday, 11th July 2014. She took quite some time to recover consciousness ....

Why am I concerned? Elderly people have always a special place in my heart. Their fragility... their nostalgic memories ... their sentiments about their children and family ..... some elderly people are very special to me. Makcik, Mala's mother, is very close to me. I enjoyed her company and she always had a ready smile for me. The late Makcik, Pak Din's - a friend of Noor - always had me concerned for her welfare. Azizi's parents - Noor's brother in-law's parents - meant a lot to me too. Pakcik loved it when we invited him over for "makan-makan" and would always referred to me as "Kak Long", referring to my position in Noor's family. My mother in-law has my utmost respect as she is Noor's mother. Even though sometimes we had issues due to our different backgrounds ... she deserved my respect just because she is my mother in-law. That was why I drove down to Melaka when I heard that she was warded. So many elderly people to acknowledge ... They may get on your nerves most times but more often than not, once you have time to reflect, they are just worried about you. Thus, I bear no ill-feelings and respect them more.

Oh yes ... I must not forget Pak Wan, who was already in his sixties.Status dead or alive is unknown since we lost contact over the years and his number was no longer reachable. He became a friend while we were doing our Haj back in 2005. He was Noor's room mate in Madinah and although separate rooms in Mekah, their rooms were just next to each other. He used to be the HR manager for a large company in KL. He was from KL. He attached himself to Noor and slowly to me as Noor was my mahram. So, we tagged along together. He came alone. Slowly we got into the habit of sharing newspaper. He used to buy the English version and would wait for me at the hotel's lobby to share the paper. One day, he talked about his late wife who passed away in his car on the way to the hospital. He even took out his wallet to show her lovely picture. She was still young and they had a baby girl then. Pak Wan never remarried. He took care of his daughter And now she is a doctor with 2 children. He would follow Noor for the throwing of the stone and tawaf. During our departure to return to Malaysia, we were stranded at Jeddah airport for 3 hours. So, to kill time, both of us wandered to the restaurants available at the airport and I was commenting I was hungry. I did not carry money with me only loose change. Pak Wan bought drinks, cakes and sandwiches and we sat at one of the chairs eating them. Noor was quite upset as if I had taken advantage of Pak Wan. I said Pak Wan wanted to give me a treat and I concurred happily. We sat and ate our food satisfyingly. We went to see him after the Haj with the boys when we were in KL. He was not well then. It was our last meeting and contact with Noor. He will always have a place in my heart and prayers.

Another elderly people that deserved to be mentioned are the two ladies from my Terawih session prayers. Every year we would meet as pre-destined. Every year we would part with the same phrase - "Jika kita tak jumpa tahun depan, maknanya kita dah tak ada." So far they are still around. When we met up during the early Ramadhan, I went up to them and kissed their hands. They hugged me tightly as if I was a long, lost daughter. You feel much loved and welcomed by not family but strangers who have become a part of my life. By nature, I am an aloof, unfriendly person and not quite adept at my social skills. Yet, over the years, they would always give me advice, remind me gently whatever they thought I did was not correct, got involve with my life through their questioning sessions ....

So, why am I concerned? I am very worried not for the surgery but for the recovery period. Look at Abang, my half-brother - from a heart by-pass to lung infection to throat injury and finally amputated toes.... and he thought all he needed was to correct his heart  ;-{  ..... In my nightly prayers, I can only pray that they are given the patience, strength and resilience to face their health issues .... I hope Makcik will recover soon to celebrate the Eid-ul-Fitri with her family. She is in Penang now so it is not possible for me to visit her unless Noor is free to accompany me there. Thus, I can only pray for her and for her family, especially Mala, my sister in-law, to face this trial with patience and faith that Makcik WILL be alright. It's Ramadhan .... its a magical month ... :-))

What I had learned from being a CT ...

My task as a the Cooperating Teacher (CT) ended on 26 June 2014 after almost 4 months. In reality I did not do anything much except observing the practical teachers, evaluate them, had a talk and imparting my experience and my opinion regarding their classroom performance. Otherwise, whenever I was free, I spent time getting to know them. After conferring with their supervisor on the last day, I handed over the files, the reports and the marks. Well, I tried to be fair in evaluating them. There was a glitch in the arrangement of supervising them. I was only supposed to be in-charge of only 2 out of 3 i.e. Liza and Zaini. Unfortunately, Shazliyana's CT had a minor stroke and I had to take over her task too. Anyway, all this while I was in-charge of the 3 of them trying to cover-up for the other teacher whose health issues deteriorated from May.

So, what had I gained over the months they were here? The trainees were so young (Akmal's age) about 23 years of age. What was nice about them was the fact that they were willing to learn and be guided. After the second observation, I was very dissatisfied with their performance and attitude. Some teachers had also complained about their involvement in the clubs and societies that they were required to serve. I withheld their observation report for almost a fortnight trying to figure out how to reprimand these trainees. By nature, I am not a diplomatic person and I can be very forthright and just speak my mind. I guess I offend some people through this. Thus, one day, I just sat with them and told them what I expected of them, what they should at least try to achieve after their stint here and made their practicum much more worthwhile. Alhamdulillah, they were open-hearted about it, accepted the reprimands, the guidelines, the advice .... that at the end of their practicum, the other teachers in the staffroom declared them the best trainees we ever had !!!  :-D))  I was so proud. Some teachers laughingly joked - "See who their CT is !!" Ha...Ha...Ha...

Our last day together was on the field for Sports Day. They actively participated and decorated their Sport's house tents, took part in the teacher's event and even cheered for their house. We just sat talking and taking photos. They finally revealed that initially, they were also afraid of me as I looked so serious and no nonsense attitude. Not only students had this fear but also them. Huh???? Oh well, my reputation precedes me. By now they were glad I was their CT and had a deep respect for my professional attitude.

Back to the question posed earlier - what had I gained from my stint as CT ? I learned how to handle a delicate situation in how to talk to these young, future teachers without diffusing their interest and enthusiasm in their profession. I learned to be accommodating and helpful guiding them without suffocating them or mollycoddling them. I learned to guide and not lead. I learned to lower my expectations. I learned that they came with new methodology and that their teaching style now was more relaxing, open-handed, leaning towards facilitating instead of teaching. At the end of their practicum stint, I guess all of us learned something from each other.

Before we hugged and said goodbye, I wished them all the best in their chosen career and hoped that they would uphold the teaching profession. They went around the field thanking all the teachers who were still around and taking photographs with the students. Finally, they shed tears of leaving .... So, I guess, their practicum stint was worthwhile after all.... :-)))  As a farewell gift, I had given them a hand-made crochet bookmark courtesy of Wah. My staff was surprised that I, as the CT, gave them a token of remembrance. They had come to me for a season and somehow or rather, had touched my life. They had tasted my cooking, of course - chicken sandwich, macaroni blackpepper, almond rocher (courtesy of Ikram and Syafiq), apples ... - I treated them like my own children. In return this is what they had given me and a touching note of appreciation.

The box of chocolates - they said this was all they could afford - I thanked them and told them it was the thought that counted .. ;-))

I did not do much yet they were so appreciative. I was so touched ... ;-}

I hope this is the first and last stint as a CT .... ;-)

Ramadhan Al-Mubarak 1435H

Ramadhan, the most blessed month of the year is here again. I had been so excited waiting for its coming. This year we started the fasting without any of the boys. They were in their respective places. The usual preparation to welcome Ramadhan was not executed as I had to return to Melaka to visit my mother in-law who was not well. Anyway, not much preparations was needed this year as there were only the two of us. Usually I would cook for the staff at Noor's shop ( 5 of them ) and included them in our "buka puasa". This year due to my health, I still want to cook for them something simple and pack it individually. So, instead of breaking fast at the shop with Noor and the others, I will be doing so alone and going to the mosque near our house on my own. I will only have company when Ikram comes home after his final exam middle of July. Akmal will also be returning home a week before Hari Raya and Syafiq, the few days before the festival. Then, we will really look forward to "buka puasa" ... Then only Ramadhan will be a celebration for me        :-D)))

To all the page reviewers of my blog, my friends and family, have a blessed Ramadhan. This year my prayer is for the strength and patience to complete my Ramadhan as best as I am able to. May all our prayers, fasting and good deeds be accepted by Allah. InsyaAllah.

What a lovely surprise ... :-))

I am very pleased with myself. This year family wise, I am very blessed with the thoughtfulness of the boys. Yes, I am always grateful and appreciate the boys love, care, consideration and tolerance of their parents especially their unstereotypical, unconventional mum.

This year I am pleased with myself that somehow I have done something right with the boys. Usually they never give us any presents or gifts of significant value due to financial constraint ... huh??... :-D))
( sometimes I think they have more money than my monthly bank balance - of course they will not tell me  and let me think that they are always in dire need of money .... they get their monthly allowance from their father, extras from mum and aunties and during semester breaks when they help out  at their father's shop, they are given salary ). Ok, back to what the boys had done this year for Mother's and Father's days. :-)

I showed an advertisement in the newspaper of a Pandora charm bracelet promotion for Mother's day to Syafiq who was home for his semester break. I found out later how they went about to get a beautiful charm bracelet for their Mum. :-))  What I gathered was Syafiq mooted the idea of the charm bracelet to his brothers. Since he was in Alor Setar and there was no outlet here and Ikram was Melaka, that left Akmal to survey the price as there was an outlet in Kota Kinabalu. Akmal hated shopping but could be very patient if he had to accompany me or his aunties. He had never entered a jewelry store before. Thus, he asked his female friends to help him and inquire the price.... it was beyond their budget!!! Ha...ha.... :-)). So, Syafiq being techno savvy, surfed the internet. He loved internet shopping whereas we did not trust it so much. Anyway, he found a replica of the bracelet at Soufeel website in US. He ordered it, paid with his bank's debit card and had it couriered to me. The other two guys agreed and paid up into his account. The plan backfired as I was in Penang for a course. Thus, it was a sweet surprise when I came home and found a cute parcel on my dressing table. I loved it!!!! I asked Syafiq the price and he told me. I thought it was too expensive as they were not working yet .... It was beautiful and although it was made of silver, it was the most expensive piece of jewelry as they were from the boys.

The charms consist of designs with the word MOM engraved on it ... I love it!!!

They did the same for their father and Noor was so touched, he was speechless. I guess he never thought the boys would bother giving him anything as he was not the type to spoil the boys with gifts or presents for any occasion. Usually I would reward them for anything - birthdays, Speech day, result day or Convo day. What did they get him? Noor had an iPhone for his internet and an old Nokia for his calls. Even though the Nokia had given him problems, he would just sent it for repairs. The boys bought him a Nokia Lumia and couriered it to him to surprise him. Imagine his reaction when he opened it .... he was so touched .... I love the boys ... for appreciating their father. I guess I had done something right with them .... Alhamdulillah.

The Nokia Lumia on the left, the box and the Poslaju packaging ...

What a lovely surprise - the wallpaper on the screen which Syafiq had done for his father ... so thoughtful of him on behalf of his brothers ... ;-)

A Wish ....

When I heard that my mother in-law was hospitalised in Melaka, I knew I wanted to go back. It is a commitment from me as the daughter in-law. Noor was in JB for a course. My sons were in their respective universities. I did not know where the courage came from to decide to drive alone from Alor Setar to Melaka which would take about 7 hours. All I knew I wanted to do it. I wanted to challenge myself if I dared enough to do it. Maybe it was obligation, commitment or responsibility but I wanted to. My old friend used to tell me that his youngest sister always travelled from Kuala Terengganu to Kuala Lumpur alone along Karak Highway. So, why not I ?? ;-}

 Although it was not quite safe to drive alone on the highway, I decided to just do it with Allah as my Protector. The petrol tank was full, the Touch&Go card was reloaded so I did not have to make any unnecessary stop along the highway, this would be my first time driving along the highway alone.

Ever had the feeling of driving alone? I loved being alone and driving on my own. How do I describe the feeling? I have always driven alone but within Kedah/Penang area. This was my first time driving alone on the highway to Melaka. Noor would only give permission if I had someone else with me. I used to drive with the boys when they were as young as 2 years old. I think over the years he has learned to let me do whatever I want to do for the good of others. He has also learned that it is always better if he gives his blessings instead of restraining me or stopping me. I know that he would appreciate it if I go back to visit his mother who is everything to him. Besides, Noor is also a friend. My return would make his mother feel that she was important enough for me to visit her. If I could make everybody happy, why not huh???  :-))

While I was driving along the highway and saw miles and miles stretched in front of me ..... I wished I could just go on and on and on ...... to nowhere, anywhere ..... somewhere .... away from the responsibilities, obligations, commitments ..... but it was only a wish ....:-)) . Reality hit me on the face when I saw the exit to my destination ..... Yet hang on to the wish because by the grace of Allah, wishes do come true. One day .....  :-D))  Someone once told me - Be careful of what you wish for. It may just come true ......

I say a little prayer ....

What makes a patient so cheerful despite the fact that she is facing an impending surgery the next day compare to another who is so alone, down and just staring into space? What happens in that mind especially the one that is always active, organised and disciplined?

I had just returned from a visit to the Cardiac Intensive Unit at Sultanah Bahiyah's hospital in Alor Setar. I went to visit Hamid's mother in-law who was admitted to the CIU last night. I expected to find a fragile, petite old lady looking sickly. Instead, masyAllah, she looked so cheerful and happy to be surrounded by so many visitors. Noor and I entered the ward without any special pass. Only two are allowed in at a time. Noor just walked in confidently without anybody stopping him. I just followed. ... :-))  There we found Mala, my sister in-law with Mak Cik. She happily greeted us and there I was, teasing her and making jokes to get her laughing and smiling happily. She wanted to tell us what had happened last night when she fell unconscious at her youngest daughter's house with whom she was staying now. Luckily her son in-law is a doctor with the hospital. Since we did not have to use the pass, we stayed for almost an hour while the other children, grandchildren and relatives took turns to come and see her.... ;-}

We knew Mak Cik and got to know her when we always made it a point to visit her during Hari Raya. Her house at Titi Haji Idris was deep in from the  main road and in the middle of acres and acres of padi fields. Hamid used to say that the height and size of the house could accommodate three large lorries...:=D))  When Hamid was advised by the doctor to get out of the city and learned how to breathe (half of his lungs were badly affected by TB), this was where he went for almost 2 years to recuperate and rehabilitate. He used to wake up at 4:00 am and just breathed in the fresh air. Since we did not have any relatives here, Mak Cik became our auntie. Another one whom we are close to is Zeti's mother or Kifli's mother in-law whom we call Mak Lang, who lives in Kuala Nerang. We went to visit her last week as she had also undergone an angioplasty too.

Mak Cik was so happy because she considered it a blessing that Allah had given her this trial in her late life. Due to this condition, all her 9 children came back along with grand children who were not having classes or other commitments. She was so cheerful and talking so much I was afraid of the reading on her monitor which was so erratic !!!!  I was afraid for her as if she was my mother. Tomorrow, she will undergo a surgery to insert a balloon catheter into her heart. She is in her 70's.

I was just making a comparison with the condition of my own brother, Abang, who had been warded since last December for a heart bypass, lung infection, throat infection and lately for diabetes. He has an adopted son as he has no children of his own, who has just started his new job being a fresh graduate. My sister in-law is also facing her own health issues. Thus, Abang only has a male personal nurse whom the family hires to take care of him and keep him company 24 hours a day ( 2 nurses on 12 hours shift ). He is lonely. I could see his loneliness and aloneness. Abang used to be an active person with his Pondok Jenderam project, his ceramah, organising talks here and there, entertaining foreign visitors to his Pondok, in fact he was a very busy man. He was always surrounded by people. He had never been warded and he was always fine for a man his age. In fact the first thing my sister in-law did was to keep his mobile phone at home upon doctor's advice as he was always making and receiving calls. Now he could only whisper hoarsely. I wanted to stay and keep him company but I could not as I live here and he is in HUKM KL. Even though he is my half-brother (my father's first wife), he is still my brother. I make it a point to visit him whenever I go down to KL.

Two very close people in my life. Almost the same situation. Both had never been warded before this. Both had heart problems. Both were in their 70's. One is so cheerful and surrounded by so many people who love her. While the other, so lonely with only occasional visits now from his siblings as everybody is busy. Both are so accepting of their trails and tribulations. One can see the patience and the pain. What we can do is to learn from them how to accept this with grace and an open heart that with these trials and tribulations, we are able to redeem ourselves of our past sins and wrong doings. I can only pray for both them "May Allah grant them patience, strength and the tenacity to face this. Not alone but with much love from all those near and dear." Aamiin.