Salam Maal Hijrah 1439

It is not too late to wish all reviewers a blessed new Hijri year of 1439. May this year be a better year and we become better persons than the previous one. We are all nearing our end ... are we preparing ourselves towards it?

The Solo Trip - Taken.

After two weeks of being in KJ while waiting for Ikram, I was getting restless. I had already arranged meet-ups with a few close friends including one who was back from Melbourne. I had enjoyed an evening with a school classmate who had reverted to Islam.  An interesting discussion of the religion from the perspective of a revert and a born Muslim. I was humbled. Finally, Ikram had completed his two weeks stint at AD and I had another three days to wait for Syafiq to submit his FYP. An old friend seemed too busy to meet up. Maybe the last meet-up disrupted the usual routine and the dear old friend must had been so bored. Well, the old friend did looked preoccupied. I could only apologise for taking up the old friend's precious hours.

Thus, I discussed with Akmal and Ikram and they encouraged me to go off for my solo road trip but with a specific destination in mind. I called up my dearest college roommates - Sham was not available as she had just welcomed her new grandchild. Alhamdulillah. I called Muna and she told me to come. When she asked if I was driving or taking the bus and I answered the former, I could already guess what she was thinking. Her partner, who was also a college mate, must had the same thoughts and urged me to come. He was willing to take an MC to welcome me. ... such warmth and love. I dispelled their negative thoughts and told her partner to go to work and leave Muna and I alone. They thought I was running away from home since I was driving solo.

After breakfast with Wah, I started out. I was quite okay and although I knew I had a bad sense of direction, I knew I would make it. I drove leisurely and let the mind wandered anywhere it wanted to. It was a three hour drive but I did not felt it as I was just looking forward for a few days of therapy. Traffic was smooth even though it was a Sunday. And although I got lost but I was in her area. It took her thirty minutes to locate me as she had a bad sense of direction too !!! :-))

We laughed it out as she guided me to her house. Her partner left us alone and only joined us for our meals. They welcomed me with open arms and hearts. Her partner told me to stay on as long as I liked and still wanted to take an MC to entertain me. I told him to go off to work. During one of our breakfast sessions, I was just commenting what happened to one guy who was quite close to me during our first year in college. The magic of Allah. I was reversing my car and his car entered the parking lot next to mine. When Muna confirmed it was him, I stopped the car behind his and called out his full name. He did not recognise me but when he saw Muna, he knew who I was. We joined his wife and him for a drink again. Our relationship lasted for about two months I guess since I would not go out with him. Our meet-ups were only at college and during college functions. He was Sham's and Muna's classmate. Then, one day, we saw him with another girl ...hmmm ... what a short term affair ... of course we did not tell his wife !!!! :-)) Both of us had a great time reminiscing our college years. It was where we grew up and became adults ...

It was good therapy for both of us. Muna had also opted to retire as of this year. We told our deepest secrets that we could not share with anyone else. Secrets that we could not talk even to our partners or other close friends. We laughed and cried about everything. We thrashed out how we had changed not only physically but emotionally and mentally. It was a cleansing session for both of us for the three days and two nights I was there.This was the first time we had time just for ourselves by ourselves. It was simply fantastic. Alhamdulillah.

I do not know if I would have a solo time like this again. Allah had given me time out for "me time". I just needed it and He granted it. It was unplanned although it was at the back of my mind. It was just that the destination was fixed for me by Allah. A journey that took me into the arms of a friend who was also a sister. Thank you, Muna for just being more than a friend. My deepest appreciation and heartfelt thanks to Amat, her partner for tolerating me monopolising her for the days I was there. Thank you, Allah, for always being with me. Alhamdulillah. SubhanAllah.

A Solo Road Trip - Deferred.

Aborted even before it started. Hmmm ... such little faith my boys had in me. I could only plan but Allah had His reasons and designation. Thus, whatever I had planned for next week had to be deferred. I would not say aborted - but deferred. I would most probably go ahead with it one day.

In the mood that I am in at present, the solo road trip might just end up anywhere. With no definite destination, no prior bookings or any planning ... little wonder the boys were quite apprehensive. I thought of just driving on and on and when I was tired, I would just look up for a budget hotel to rest. The kind of mood where you just wanted to go away by yourself and hibernate for a while. As if I am not alone enough ... ;-}

I read an article about hidden symptoms of depression. Isolation and avoiding friends and families. One only met up with people when necessary. One became a little paranoid and magnified every symptom of pain. One saw things in a negative perspective and became more sensitive towards any comments and opinions. One felt that other people were avoiding him/her. Hmmm ... am I having the early hidden symptoms of depression? At this moment of time, I prefer solitude. I prefer my aloneness. I love my solitary morning walks with my thoughts. I refused to go with my sisters for our annual holidays. I just did not have the urge to travel out of my cocoon and personal sanctuary. As much as I loved them, I just did not want to join in their sojourn. Of course they did not understand and kept pestering until I had to beg them to leave me alone. I had not returned to visit until now. Am I depressed? I fulfilled all my obligations to the best that I could. At this moment of time I am just so tired. Tired of taking care of others while no one takes care of me. Tired of being taken for granted and under appreciated. Tired of always putting others first. Tired of making others happy. Tired of everyone even myself.

Meeting up with an old friend made me felt how much I had missed social interaction. The ability to just talk about anything and the comfortable way when the dear old friend just listened. Yet the feeling of being down was still heavy within me. I am trying to get back the old, happy, carefree me. Where has she gone? Where and when have I buried her? She is there in the recesses of my mind. Sometimes I am just so tired to fight back and just want to let go of everything ...

Is this what is called post pension blues? After years of being needed, wanted and busy ... suddenly you find yourself on the loose end. Yet, I love to stay at home. Taking things slow and doing whatever I like in my own sweet time. Alone. On my own. Am I depressed ???