Sometimes I Wonder...

Sometimes I wonder what is it that I have done in  my life that people want to look me up and find me after all these years....I must have left such an impact in their lives that they try to find me. It is nice and I feel much honoured and touched that there are people who value my friendship.

Julie Guan was my junior in Form 6, CHIJ 1979-1980. She was always hanging around with my group i.e. Maureen, Chai Choo, Pay Boon, Lay Tin and Bee Yan. That was yeeaaaarrrsss ago. Last we met was the farewell dinner which the Lower 6 organised for us. Last year, she managed to locate me and called me on my mobile phone. She managed to get my number from those who had it i.e. Pay Boon through the CHIJ alumni dinner. She came to Alor Setar last weekend and finally, after all of 30 years, we finally met face to face. I could hardly recognise her. She said I look almost the same minus the weight gain...hu..hu..hu.. ;-) She has a Malay adopted family, two beautiful, excellent daughters and running a business in everything. :=)  It was a quick catching up and nostalgic remembering what we did or rather I did all those years. It was truly touching that she tried to find me. How small the world is that we are somehow inter-related through her cousin who is married Noor's cousin or something :-) Abang Thomas, Kak Lily, Azmi, Khadijah... semua orang Bukit Rambai. She's also from Bukit Rambai. 

Another junior is Hapizah Md. Taib from MPMK, JB. She was my housemate at 4, Jalan Juara, JB where we resided for 2 years together. She also used to hang around us , her seniors in the house. She managed to locate me through her sister who is teaching in Alor Setar. She managed to find out my location from one of my classmate's facebook. She asked her sister to call my school to get my phone number and gave me a call one night. It was such a sweet surprise that she remembered me after almost 25 years! I could hardly recognise her. Through her I managed to get Muna and Leha's numbers. They were our housemates too but my batch. It was lovely. I have yet to meet her in person as she is now is Mersing, which is hardly along my way. InsyaAllah, one day.

 Maimunah Yunos. My housemate. My confidante. My friend. My sister in Islam. My conscience. If I were to think of her, it would be with a loving smile.I finally met up with Muna about 2 years ago when I went to Muar and she  made a concerted effort to meet me. It seems that they live in Shah's, Noor's brother, housing area. What a small, small world. We really had a good time and laughed the night away.

Sometimes I wonder how Noor tolerates all my idiosyncracies with my friends!!!! Yet, he always encourages me to find my friends, gives me time to spend with them, humour me and my pettiness,goes out of his way to find these friends for me,  more often than not understands why I need my friends.

Shamsuriani Shamsuddin. From Seremban. My room mate. My friend. My confidante. The person who shared my tears, joy and sorrow. My father's death. My first heart break. Part of the three years of my life. My conscience. She is worse that Jiminy Cricket in Pinnochio. When Akmal got into SDAR, Seremban, she was the first one I tried to contact to be my son's guardian and god-mother. The same goes when Ikram was enrolled in the same school. I never lost touch with her.

Somehow, over the years, among friends, the years just never seem to part us. Somehow, with Allah's will, it was like we have never been parted although we may not meet for years on.

MAKTAB PERGURUAN MOHD KHALID, JOHOR BAHRU - 1981 - 1983

As I was looking through my facebook, I found this page. There was even an MPMK 81-83. It's raining and I could not go for my evening walk. Thus, I am sitting in front of my laptop. Maybe, this is a good topic to explore and recall for my blog although it's like...30 years ago.  :=)

1981. I was 20 years old. I had completed my HSC in 1980 and was waiting for the results. I got the offer for PSM PI/G (Pendidikan Sekolah Menengah Pengajian Inggeris/Geografi) course and although I was afraid of leaving home for the first time in my life, Bapak told me to go. He said that as we were good in English, it's time we gave back to the society. Now it is called Corporate Social Responsibility - :=D) He was not well after suffering from another stroke. I was not very keen to leave him. He had arranged for Baba and Mak to send me to register to Johor Bahru. Maktab Perguruan Mohd. Khalid aka Maktab Perguruan Mencari Kekasih... That was what it was known during the orientation.

On registration day, the usual crowd was there along with parents and their sending off entourage. I went to the register counter. Either the seniors were tired or half heard me, he was looking for the name Seet or Sit. A Chinese name. When he could not find it, he asked me for my letter. I showed him and he told me off by asking why did I not tell him that I was a Malay. I have always wondered to myself - "Do I look so Chinese that people cannot distinguish my race?" It never occurred to me that I am so Chinese looking. I did not know what racialism was all about being in a Convent school. It did not help that my mother was wearing her usual kebaya nyonya as she was a Chinese.

I was sent to my hostel i.e. a double-storey bungalow with 4 rooms. No: 4, Jalan Juara, Off Jalan Mariamah, Johor Bahru. (Surprisingly, I can still remember the address!) Seven of us were sent here : Zaleha Badiul Zaman (our spokesperson), Shamsuriani Shamsuddin (my room mate for three years), Maimunah Yunos, Laila, Alina Paat and Salmiah Shafie. Zaleha, Salmiah and I were in the same course - PI/G. Thus started the orientation week which lasted for two weeks.

I had never been in a co-ed school being educated for 13 years in an all girls Convent school. I started to mix with boys in GPMS night class. Those guys were quite decent, courteous and nice. Here, I met all types of guys that some were rude, obnoxious and just plain irritating. Sometimes, I wondered why did these orientation took place if just to demean, belittle and intimidate juniors? Of course, I was a bit on the defensive side when they touched on race, religion and language. I was just born lucky or my parents' prayers were with me - I was not bullied much as I had these two "abang angkat" who always seemed to be around when a male senior wanted to orientate me. Usually, it was the male who orientated the girls. After a few days, the two guys - now I remembered one of them : Abang Ron - took me out from orientation and put me in drama practice for the Orientation night. I was Tun Teja. I had fun because no more screaming and bullying from the male seniors. I only had to write love letters to all of them. Hmmm... practice made perfect...  :-DD))

If college orientation was tolerable, house orientation was worse. This was from the house seniors. All female. Firstly, they asked me to correct my language as they said I spoke with a slang. What slang? I spoke Malay like the others! Oh well, just bore with it. We juniors, tried to get along together. I got the small room downstairs. There were 3 rooms on the first floor and only one small room downstairs. I got Sham, another junior, as my room mate. She was 2 years my senior and from Negeri Sembilan.

Reflecting on the orientation week, it was fun, enjoyable and overall, we managed to get to know the seniors very well. Some became good friends, some protectors and some "abang angkats" who would like to further the relationship but I guess, it was just not meant to be. I was aloof, in a class of my own and very dignified being a convent girl. Oh well...I slowly got into the routine of college life. As soon as I managed to get a public phone, I immediately called Bapak and made my report. Of course, "mengadu" about my life here. I depended on letters and public phones. Here, I made friends for life besides my school friends. It was the best 3 years of my life albeit the tears, laughter, joy and sorrow.

MPMK sekarang

MPMK yang pernah kami kenali....   ;-(

 Now it seems that the new MPMK campus is relocated to Batu Pahat. I have not had the chance to go there. One day, maybe. Nostalgic. Actually, three years of college life (we were the first batch for the three year programme) moulded us into adults. Now, 30 years hence, hopefully, we became wiser for having been a part of the MAKTAB PERGURUAN MOHD KHALID fraternity and we have made it proud to uphold its name. 

ALLAH's MAGIC...

MasyaAllah. SubhanAllah. Alhamduliilah. We always think that it happens in the movies :-)

I was thinking of Nooraini ever since she replied my message and informed me that Yatie, her sister had passed away last October due to Cushing's syndrom. It's water retention in the body as a result of the anaesthetic given during childbirth. She was only 47 years old. I haven't seen her for so many years due to time constraint. I planned to see her during the Hari Raya break but you know, we could only plan.

Last Saturday I was in Melaka after visiting Ikram in Seremban. That night Kak Leha wanted to go to Mydin, Air Keroh. As usual I was the driver. I was waiting along the aisle of the frozen food while waiting for Kak Leha to pick up her groceries. Due to a lot of people, I waited there with the trolley. I was thinking of Nooraini and how to go to Air Keroh Heights tomorrow. Memang dah niat dah. It's all I could do as a friend. As I was observing all these people making their choices, I saw someone strolling opposite me with a trolley that really looked like her.

I was not very sure it could be her. My mouth uttered Nooraini out loud but I am sure not loud enough for her to hear me due to our distance and the crowd. Yet, she looked up and looked around and saw me directly opposite her. All we could do was gave a big smile to each other and hugged each other tightly. We ignored the crowd. I could just look at her with disbelief that someone that I was really thinking hard enough was right in front of me. This was stuff for the movies. I asked her the directions to her house and promised her to see her the next day. MasyaAllah. Engkau Maha Mengetahui apa yang tersirat di hati hamba Mu ini.

The next day I managed to find her house. Her mother was bed ridden. She was on a two months unpaid leave. We talked about her plans and her mum, the death of Yatie, who was my junior in CHIJ. We used to go to her house for free lunch whenever we had to stay back after school. I know her family well. She's single due to her choice as she is the eldest daughter of 3, her father passed away when she was little, the sole bread winner with a good position and the strength of the close-knitted family. I love her as my friend and sister in Islam. What was so touching was that she was called up for Haj this year but she declined as Yatie was already in ICU. She was glad she did not go as Yatie passed away two days after her departure date. It was meant to be but Tabung Haji said they would KIV her name for next year. Permudahkanlah untuk shabat ku ini ya Allah.

The most I could do is just to be her friend. Thank you Allah. Sometimes, I am so afraid of you but not in the sense of fearing you. Just so afraid of your kindness towards me and my wants in this world as I always feel that I just do not deserve it. Yet, Thank you. Alhamdulillah. Izinkan aku menjadi hambaMu yang sangat bersyukur.

Al-Fatihah untuk aruah Yatie

It's meant to be...

Last Thursday, 17th November, I received news that Johari was admitted to ICU. I knew him when I first came to this school. He was promoted and transferred to another school as a Guru Besar. He was a nice man. Open, out spoken but always courteous and respectful. He was 52 years old. I was not sure why.  The bearer of news said it was an infection but not sure on which part of the body. I was already busy and hadn't done my packing as I was leaving for KL the next day. I had promised Ikram I would see him on Saturday.

That Thursday, Rokiah's daughter came to school to take some forms for her to sign. I helped her to type Rokiah's SKT form and chatted with her, being my ex-student. Rokiah had been warded for almost 4 months due to complications of her diabetes. Her daughter said that she was in CCU for almost a month. She will be going for a by-pass surgery next week. Ya Allah, permudahkanlah untuknya. She is only 45 years old.

As if that's not enough, I learned that Hafsah's got her termination letter effective January 2012. Noordin Sopiee & Associates will be winding down operations. She will be out of a job. She is 53 years old. She has enough to last her a year without working. It will be tough due to her age. People will want to hire someone younger and less experience as they can offer a lower salary. Maybe it's time to move on.

Everything happens for a reason. Segala-galanya adalah ketentuan. Tiba masanya "kun Faya kun" maka jadilah seperti apa yang telah ditetapkan sejak kita di Loh Mahfuz lagi. InsyaAllah, things will work out by itself. All these news on one day i.e. Thursday. Last Sunday, 20th November, I received an SMS informing me that Johari had passed away. Innalillahi-wainna-illaihiraji'un. Daripada Allah kita datang, kepadaNya jugalah kita kembali. Al-Fatihah for a friend.

"Sometimes Allah breaks our spirit to save our soul,

He breaks our heart to make us whole,

He sends us pain so we can be stronger.

He sends us failure so we can be humble,

He sends us illness so we can take care of ourselves;

Sometimes He takes everything away from us 

so we can learn the value of everything."

NEVER TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED.
Finally, last Sunday Nooraini sms me. I thought we could meet up since I was in KL and we had not met for a few years. She told me that her sister, Yatie, had passed away on 28th October. I just asked her where she was now and she said she's in Air Keroh. I will try to find her sister's house this weekend. She had taken 2 months leave to calm her ailing mother. Yatie was my junior in school. She was only 47 years old with 3 children. Nooraini must be devastated and her mum, inconsolable. We had been friends since school. What else can I do to help ease her pain? Just be friend I suppose.

HAPPINESS?

I read an interesting article in the Sunday Star's newspaper yesterday (Sunday, 20th November). The title was "Scared to be too happy" written by Sumiko Tan. The part where she wrote - 'No longer do I seek Happiness (with a capital H) by chasing grand-lofty concepts such as Love, Wealth, Achievement and Fame. I've concluded that it's best to just accept what life has to offer, go with the flow, try my best in whatever I do, harm no one and hope that no one harms me,too. It's the small things nowadays that make me truly happy, and which I long for more.'  She listed a few things that make her happy.

Over the years, I too, do not look for happiness per se. I now look for acceptance (keredhaan). What makes me happy?
1. When I get a call from my sons and we talked for hours.
2. When I saw a rainbow after the rain.
3. When the birds come around to feed on the rice I throw out to them.
4. When I am given the opportunity to give more alms and watch the receiver smiles.
5. When I can give something that someone asks for especially family and friends.
6. When I make someone's life easier just by doing something big or small for them.
7. When I get e-mails, calls or just spend some time with dear friends.
8. When I can buy and give gifts to friends and family or an acquaintance.
9. When I get time out for my self, by my self, for my self without having to think of responsibilities.
10. When I can make someone happy just with my presence, my e-mail, my call or my time.  :=)

Maka nikmat Allah manakah yang kamu dustakan?

Syafiq and I left Alor Setar after Subuh on Friday, 18th November, as usual in high spirits and excited that we were finally going to go to KL. Everything went well and smooth until we reached Seberang Jaya road in Penang.. It was after the hospital. We were in the middle of heavy traffic. We were on the right lane as we were going to head south. Suddenly, the car stopped. Dead. The temperature was high and it refused to start. Ya Allah, we were caught in the middle of a heavy traffic jam due to the morning traffic rush. I turned on the emergency lights. There was nothing we could do but sit and wait. Motorbikes and cars zoomed speedily on both sides of the lane. I was so afraid but we were so calm. I could only recite "Rabbi-yassir-wala-tuassir". Permudahkanlah Ya Allah, permudahkanlah.

Suddenly, a man on a motorbike knocked on the car's window and asked what was wrong. He wore a Penang Bridge vest. We told him the car would not start. So, he said it was okay. Syafiq got out and together with him, pushed the car to the left side of the road where there was an emergency lane. He stopped the cars and managed to take us safely across. I could only breathe in relief as at least we were out of the rush hour traffic. It was already slightly after 8:00am. Syukur Alhamdulillah. That man was the from the Penang Bridge unit. At least I did not cause anybody to be late for work. Dalam kesukaran, Kau beri kami kemudahan. "Maka nikmat Allah manakah yang kamu dustakan?"    

Syafiq opened the bonnet and saw that the radiator's water was dry. We saw a nasi lemak stall across the side of the road. So, he crossed over the drain and walked to them and asked for some water and the man kindly gave us a bottle of it. Ya Allah, Kau permudahkan segala urusan kami. Then, PLUS Bantuan came and stopped to assist us. The two men managed to lower the temperature enough to send us to Juru R&R. One of them even drove us there in case something happened again. When we reached the R&R, they checked our car and could not find anything wrong with it. The car was only 3 years old. He suggested that we went to Proton Service at Juru Auto City. Okay....I called Shaun, my nephew, a lecturer at UiTM Permatang Pauh. Syukur he was in Penang. He was in KL last week. I could not thank the two men enough for being very kind to us. Ya Allah, kau temukan aku dengan orang-orang yang baik yang mempermudahkan kesusahan ku. "Setelah kesusahan datang kesenangan; setelah kesusahan datang kesenangan; Hendaklah engkau berusaha dan hanya kepada Tuhan mu engkau berserah" (Surah Al-Insyirah). 


At Proton Service, there were a lot of cars. By the time they called me it was almost noon. The technicians took a break at 12:30pm due to Friday prayers. They would continue after the prayers at 2:45pm. Shaun sent me to his house to rest and took Syafiq to the mosque After we had lunch, he sent me back to the service centre. He had to go back to his office for a meeting. I could only thank him and hope that the car would be alright. I expected I'm going to be charged a few hundred ringgit being Proton Service. They told me what they had to do and estimated cost. I agreed. They changed the thermostat, did welding and something about the coolant. It came to Rm81.00. Alhamdulillah. By now it was almost 5:00pm. I could only thank them. Yes, we wasted a whole day there but maybe it was Allah's way of teaching me patience and tolerance. We continued our way to KL. It was raining heavily along Perak highway. Finally, we reached Hafsah's house around 11:00pm, tired and sleepy. Alhamdulillah.

Dalam kesukaran, Kau beri kemudahan. Dalam kesusahan, Kau beri kesenangan. Dalam kekalutan, Kau beri ketenangan. Dalam kerisauan, Kau beri petunjuk dan bimbingan. Dalam kekecewaan, Kau beri kesabaran. Ya Allah, aku hanya mampu melafazkan syukur ku dalam sujud ku. Syukur aku dan Syafiq masih dalam perlindungan, keberkatan dan keredhaanMu. "Maka nikmat Allah manakah yang kau dustakan?"

                Hasbiyallah-hu-wanikmal-wakeel  (Cukuplah Allah bagi ku)

If only its that easy...

12th NOVEMBER 2011

I am 50 today. :=)   My sons said I am already a warga emas!

I loved the birthday video that Syafiq posted on my facebook wall. It was so cute! It was about 3 robots who pushed each other into the frame and sang the birthday song. He said it represented Akmal, him and Ikram. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thank you, Fiq. Akmal sent a message wishing that all my dreams will come true. How sweet. Only my sons know my life here.

A friend sent a wish via e-mail. It was sweet that he remembered after all these years. I am very touched. Nooraini as usual without fail would send me a birthday message. She never forgot after all these years since school days. Adik wished me on time this year. That was due to Syafiq's post. I am blessed to be surrounded by beautiful, thoughtful, lovely and meaningful people in my life. Sometimes I wonder what have I done to deserve them?

The final rites of Haj and HOME....

I performed the tawaf haji and saie haji with Omayah. Noor had Pak Wan with him. MasyaAllah, both of us were given space by Allah to perform it among the millions of others. We didn't have to go up to the first floor for our tawaf. Dalam kesempitan ada kelapangan. We could walk around Kaabah in peace without jostling for space or being pushed by others. We continued with our saie and all we could do when we had completed is to just cry with relief and sujud syukur. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. We had completed our Haj and our 5th pillar of the Islam tenet. I was happy, sad, relieved, a burden uplifted and the feeling of being whole, accepted and forgiven. It was a satisfying and comfortable kind of feeling. It was beautiful. Tawaf wida' was so sad and I was crying uncontrollably to say goodbye to a place where only the invited ones could come. Thus we are now eligible for the title Haji and Hajjah but I refused to be acknowledged as such as I did not come here for the titles. I came here to be a complete muslim. I hope I deserved to carry this title for life.

Jeddah was totally different and metropolitan. Our flight was stranded for almost 3 hours. I had fun and enjoyed the airport. I had snacks with Pak Wan, spent some time with Kak Sumaiyah, loved watching the aeroplanes, enjoyed watching other people who only had home in their minds now that the pilgrimage was over. I was looking forward to go home. Syukur Alhamdulillah kerana telah mempermudahkan segala urusan dan perjalanan haji ku sehingga aku mampu menyempurnakan dengan sebaiknya dengan segala kekuatan dan kesabaran yang telah Kau izinkan kepada hamba Mu ini.Even if I never return to this holy place, I am satisfied that I had done my best for Allah. Alhamdulillah. SubhanAllah. MasyaAllah.

Mina

After Arafah, we went to Mina. We started throwing the stones at the three jamrahs which represented the stoning of satan. I had a much better time in Mina. Noor and I went together and we had Pak Wan with us. We went collecting stones. There were very nice people around. While we were busy looking for pebbles, there was a man offering the pebbles to us. Thus, we also returned in kind to somebody else. Kindness begets kindness. We went for walks around Mina. I enjoyed the things that the people brought to sell. There were knives and utensils from Russia. Head shawls from Turkey. Hand-woven shoes from Turkey. All types of knick-knacks were for sale. It was a much relaxing time for us. Our only means of communication was through gestures and calculators to set the price. It was easy and comprehensive. Once we met a gem stone seller from India. He spoke English so we had a chat about his experiences. Interesting.

The only incident was the stampede which resulted in a few hundred pilgrims badly injured and a few deaths. Thankfully none from Malaysia. I was surprised why the big TV near the camp suddenly went off. Noor and I had just returned from the stoning of the jamrah when the incident happened. Otherwise, we would have been caught in the panic. It was sad but it was meant to be.

During the haj we also got news from Malaysia via newspaper articles which were posted on the bulletin board at the hotel lobby. I found out that Abang Din (Tan Sri Noordin Sopiee) passed away in Singapore Hospital due to cancer. He was our half cousin. Kak Yah's husband. Al-fatihah for his soul. He was the Chairman of ISIS. We also found out that there was an extraordinary big flood in Kedah. Alhamdulillah, when we returned, our house was not affected.

I enjoyed Mina. It was not stressful. We didn't go with Tabung Haji's schedule. We did it in our own time, just the two of us. Most of the time I would be in the tent or wandering around the area, as usual on my own.  Actually during the Haj, I was on my own a lot. I liked it and enjoyed the time with myself. Otherwise,  Noor would come to the tent and pick me up and we would go to the jamrah or just took a walkabout around Mina. I did not buy anything as usual but that did not stop me from enjoying myself window or "eye" shopping. We stayed there for the duration of the 3 days before we finally left for Mekah for the final rites of Haj.

Arafah 2005M / 1426H

It's time for wukuf. It's the starting of the Haj ritual. It's actually very near Mekah but due to almost 2.5 million pilgrims moving at almost the same time caused the roads leading to Arafah to be heavy with all kinds of vehicles. There were buses with no roofs and full of pilgrims, I think from Africa. It actually took about half an hour to reach Arafah in normal days but during the Haj it took almost 4 hours. If you were lucky.

I was having a high fever due to the incident with kak Maisah or maybe that was just a reason. Yet, I managed to be alert. We left after breakfast and expected to be there latest by Zohor. We finally reached Arafah almost noon. I was too tired and went to my designated tent. Males and females were in separate tents. We were already given our tent number and mattress number. All I could do was just to lie down for awhile before the prayers started. After Asar, Noor came to look for me to say our prayers together but I was too sick. So, I prayed in the tent and he went on his own. Arafah was near Jabal Rahmah. It was a day when Allah the Most Compassionate and Forgiving opened up the doors of heavens above and forgave every sin that we had ever done as a Muslim. All I did was just prayed and cried over the stupidity of my zillions of sins and hoped that He would show me the way to be a better person on this earth and thereafter.

I prayed when I went to Mekah that I would not meet anybody that I knew so that I would not be distracted. Zaiton was looking for me. Noor met her. She found my tent and my mattress was just next to the entrance yet she did not see me. A miracle wasn't it? Neither did we meet at all during the Haj. Even Norhayati. I was on my own most of the time and it was just time for me and Allah. Nobody else.

Tears fell freely in Arafah. Every single tear washed away the sins we had committed whether we did it knowingly or unknowingly. Repentance was sincere. Remorse was deeply felt. Everybody was in a world of their own. Just for one night, yet it felt like it was the longest night during the Haj. You came out of Arafah cleansed, comforted and loved. You felt accepted by Allah. You felt at peace with yourself. You felt a better person. You felt like a whole new person and aimed to remain as that person. InsyaAllah.

Memories of Mekah and the Haj 1426H / 2005-2006M

One memory that always made me smile was the time when I was walking alone along the road from the hotel. I didn't go to the mosque because Allah gave me leave. So, I made full use of it. As usual, I was on my own. I got to watch a man wrapped parcels by the roadside. I wonder how much was his service. Quite a few men ( there was only men along the road, in the shops and women, accompanied by men). It never crossed my mind about my safety. Allah kan ada. I was quite intrigued and interested at how fast he was wrapping the goods including bottles of zam-zam water from those people. I was thinking if only our Post office could do it as fast as that man. I discovered a few of them offering this service further up the road.

As I was walking upwards, I noticed a flock of pigeons feeding at the side of the road. It was like Komtar in Penang. There were like hundreds of them!. I just couldn't resist the urge to just clap my hands and watched them happily as they took flight. I walked away happily with my spontaneous actions. It was when I was back at the hotel that I realised that what I did could be harmful and wrong. So, out of guilt and being conscientious, I went to consult the uztazah. She just smiled and asked me if any of the birds dropped dead out of shock? Maybe a heart attack due to fright? In all innocence, I answered "No". Not as far as I could see. She said then if that was the case, the incident was alright. You were not allowed to harm or kill a living creature whether big or small in "Tanah Haram" or Mekah. Yet, at the end of the Haj, Noor paid the dam just to make sure.

I clapped my hands and watched them took flight...  :-0

 I continued my journey and entered a grocery store. As usual, it was just a convenience store with almost everything. I didn't purchase anything but just browsed through the type of goods available, where they came from, the differences compared to what we had back home. One day during our stay here, Noor and I went to the largest shopping complex near Masjidil Haram. It was called the "Ben Dawood". I loved to see the things available. They even had rambutans, mangosteens, guavas - just looked at the price!!! I especially like the souvenirs section and the precious gem stones sold here. I bought a few although they were quite expensive for friends and family.

 Noor and I went around Mekah one day. Of course I liked the book stores. They had books written in English. A pity I didn't buy any books. Noor did a lot of shopping. I only bought some necessary things before we went home. I bought a white jubah since I didn't bring any with me from Malaysia. They advised us to wear white when we were in Arafah and Mina. I bought some pocket sized Quran - the replica of the ones in the mosque. I bought one exactly the same size for myself which I loved very much. It is one book that I can read everyday and not be bored with it. Surprise huh? You keep reading and reading yet it's like a never ending quest for getting to know it.

I learned patience. I learned to keep my opinions to myself. I learned the value of silence. I learned to be observant. I learned to enjoy people. I learned acceptance. I learned humility. I learned simplicity. I learned respect. But most of all, I learned to be close to my Creator. SubhanAllah. MasyaAllah. Alhamdulillah.

Sometimes, silence is stronger than words....

Allahyarham Nazri ...... Mekah 2005M / 1426H

We went to the mosque for Zohor and was hoping that one of the jenazah would be Nazri's. Noor was near the Kaabah. He had followed the officials from Tabung Haji and after solat Zohor, he managed to follow the bodies for burial. Noor stayed near the Tabung Haji officials and quickly volunteered to carry the bodies knowing that it was Nazri's because he was the only Malaysian at that time. It was just fated that he was given the opportunity to go along as he managed to get a few pictures with his handphone. It was a privilege for him as no outsiders were allowed to go there.

Solat jenazah di tapak perkuburan sebelum dikebumikan

Mengangkat jenazah ke tapak perkuburan

 Omayah was a little bit happier that she could see the photos. At least she saw where Nazri was buried. She had a sense of letting go. They took her to the cemetery but she was not allowed to enter the graveyard. Women are not allowed. She could only said her farewell through the glass windows. After 6 years, we still kept in touch and being the eldest in her family of 3 sisters, I was like an elder sister/friend to her. What she couldn't talk to her lawyer friends or her sisters, she talked to me.

She has her own law office dealing with property and syariah cases. She was the one who roped me in to the tafakkur-addin class at Kolej Insaniah. Once in a while we would go shopping together or have high tea to catch up. She has 3 school going teenage boys. Busy but never busy for our friendship. Semoga Allah swt memanjangkan dan mengeratkan lagi ikatan ukhuwah dan silaturrahim antara kami. Amin.

I am in her life as it was destined to be. Maybe for a reason, a season or a lifetime. But, for whatever reason, it was meant to be. May we enrich each others' lives and make a difference. InsyaAllah. Whatever the outcome may be, it is nice to think and reflect that we have been a part of each others' lives and become more wiser because of it.

Allahyarham Nazri...Mekah 2005

It was 3:00am. As usual I went to Noor's room near the lift to tell him that I was going to the mosque. Nazri was waiting for the lift. I asked him where was Omayah. He said she was not feeling well so he was going on his own. After I left a message with Noor's room mate, I think it was the Professor, I followed Nazri to the mosque. Being a very tall man, he walked very fast. I was not afraid of going on my own as the roads leading to the mosque was very bright because Mekah never slept. The road outside the hotel was already full of pilgrims walking towards the mosque. I lost Nazri along the way and so I attached myself to another group of Malaysian pilgrims. They were easily recognisable due to their telekung. As usual, I went up to the rooftop, alone but never lonely. I did my solat sunat and reciting the Quran while waiting for Subuh. I liked it up here. I felt so far away from people and so near to the skies.

After Subuh, I walked back to the hotel and Noor was already there. I met Omayah and she was looking for Nazri. I told her I met him this morning at the lift. Omayah usually had breakfast with him. While I was in my room, Noor came to see me, He told me to go to Omayah but did not say why. So, I went to Omayah's room. Somebody told me that she had gone out with the uztazah pembimbing. I honestly couldn't recall her name. So, I went to find Noor. He told me that Nazri had passed away and he was trying to follow the Tabung Haji officials to the hospital. I felt numbed. I talked to him that morning. I was restless and kept walking along the corridor. I was waiting for Omayah. I finally went back to my room until kak Ina told me that Omayah had come back and was in her room. I went to her room. The crowd was almost gone leaving only her room mates. I went to her bed and just hugged her. Uztazah came and together we recited the Yaasin for aruah Nazri.

Some time later, Omayah talked about Nazri when there were only the two of us. Just last night they went out for supper and took a walk along Mekah town. It was their anniversary or was it Nazri's birthday? I couldn't remember. She said for the first time Nazri held her hands after so many years and told her that she looked beautiful and that he loved her. Omayah felt like falling in love all over again. She raised the usual questions. She could not believe it when the uztazah told her to follow her to the hospital. Her room mate accompanied her. I could only be a friend and listened. We were in the same room in Madinah and separated in Mekah. Yet, we always met up during meals. Somehow, we just got along fine. Nazri was Noor's roomate in Madinah but separated in Mekah too. She was wondering how to tell her 3 boys in Malaysia. I honestly couldn't help her. I wouldn't know what to do in her position.

Labbaikallah humma labbaik..... Mekah Part 4

I felt left out. Unnoticed. Sad and afraid that Allah didn't actually notice I was here as His guest among the millions invited. Everybody in my group had lost their shoes. I didn't even though I put them in a shoe bag on the shoe rack outside the mosque. Even Noor had lost his. Everybody was as usual upset but accepted it. The thought came into my mind that Allah had forgotten about me. I persevered and went to the mosque early and put my shoes at its usual place. That day, I was the  happiest and contented devotee. I lost my shoes. Only my shoe bag was there. Whoever took them was kind enough to leave the bag for me. I was skipping, walking happily back to the hotel. Noor was waiting for me at the lobby and asked why I looked so happy. I showed him my stockinged feet. He just shook his head and bought me a pair of slippers. How Compassionate Allah is. He didn't want me to feel sad, unwelcome and left out. It was His gentle way to tell me that I was in His fold. Alhamdulillah. Now, I know He was always with me.

"Help! Help!" I awoke with a start. It was past midnite. Kak Ina was in the toilet. I looked around my room of 5 and noticed that Kak Maisah, whose bed was opposite me, was restless on her bed. I heard again loud and clear "Help!" I went to her bed and noticed her eyelids were moving yet they were tightly closed. I stood by her bed and looked at her. Again the call for help. I shook her hand gently. The minute I touched her hand I could feel the hair on my back raised as though I was touched by an evil spirit. She awoke with a start. She said she was being chased by 2 men and she was calling for her son to help her. I told her to recite the Quran and ayat Kursi. She just nodded and went back to sleep. I went to my bed and was suddenly shivering like one who had a fever. When kak Ina came out of the toilet, I asked her if she heard anything. She said no. It was only for about 5 minutes. She asked me why was I pulling my blanket till my neck. I told her I was so cold. Later, I called Noor to tell him I could not go to the mosque for Subuh. We were leaving for Arafah after breakfast for wukuf. I told him I had high fever suddenly. I went to the clinic to take some medication. I was already worried because we were leaving for wukuf and I hoped I would be able to do it without being a trouble to anybody especially Noor. I could only pray and give myself to Allah. He made everything easy for me. In my coldness, there's the warmth of my fellow pilgrims. In my weakness, I found the strength to just get up and did my prayers. In my  sickness, I found the cure in Allah's words-the Quran. I could still walk, eat and get up which by itself was already a blessing. By the time I reached Mina, I was much better  to perform the throwing of stone at the 3 jamrah. Alhamdulillah.

Labbaikallah humma labbaik..... Mekah Part 3

A few incidents worth considering and contemplating. Once after tawaf sunat, I went up to the first floor to wait for Zohor. Since it was still early, there were very few people on that floor. Most of them would gather on the ground floor near Kaabah. I chose the area facing Kaabah. I took the Quran and started to read and was immersed in my reading that I didn't realise somebody sat beside me. I turned to look at her. She was a pilgrim from China by the look of her clothes. She smiled at me and took the Quran from me and turned it to Surah Al-Furqan. She pointed to her mouth and I assumed she wanted me to read it out loud. She waited and heard me patiently until I completed the whole page. I turned to look at her and queried if she wanted to take it from there. She just patted me on the shoulder and smiled. She gave me her hand and I took it in a handshake. She got up and left. The floor was quite empty. I turned back to look where she had gone and there was no one behind me. The mosque was very empty. I shrugged and dismissed it as either it was an angel or satan in disguise. Yet, it was a good feeling like I did alright, my reading was right and I made her happy. She looked just like Mak. I smiled to myself and was very contented with the thought that maybe it was her.

The second incident also took place on the first floor. I was sitting among the Malaysians jemaah. The pilgrims were starting to fill in Mekah. The mosque was quite full and my saf was quite full. We were all waiting for Zohor. I was as usual deep into my reading of the Quran when I suddenly realised that somebody tengah sujud sebelah I. I saw the fingers letak atas sejadah. Dalam hati tergerak berkata panjangnya jari-jari dia. It was very long unlike our fingers. I assumed this jemaah must be very tall.I didn't look up and continued with my reading. When the azan was on, I kept my Quran and finally looked to who was on my right side since the rack for the Quran was on my left. I smiled at her and noticed that she was a Malay. We were all Malaysians. I asked her where was the jemaah before her since I didn't notice she had left. She said she was the one sitting next to me all this while. She saw that I was so absorbed with my reading that she didn't say anything. I told her the one next to me was quite a dark lady and with very long fingers. She couldn't be a Malaysian. The lady next to me said there was nobody but her sitting next to me. I just kept quiet and assumed it was an angel praying next to me.

Masjidil Haram is a magical place. Anything can happen just by thinking about it. It's so amazing that in a place where millions converge at the same time there's a space for me to sit and pray. However crowded it was, somebody always made space for me to fit into the saf. Since I'm on my own all the time, I always went to the ladies section. I'd sat with the Egyptians, Indians, Pakistanis, Indonesians and other unknown nationals. I started to go to the rooftop for Maghrib and Isyak prayers. I loved it up there. It was like being so close to the sky. When the azan was on, I looked up towards the sky and it's like the skies opened up and blessed all of us. It was an exhilirating feeling. A rush to your adrenaline that I was always among the last to leave when we dispersed for the night. I met an American lady and had a nice talk with her. I also got to know an African lady and her mother. At least with English speaking pilgrims, we could start a conversation and not resort to hand gestures and smiles.

Imagine being among the millions doing the tawaf....

 

Labbaikallah humma labbaik..... Mekah Part 2

Tabung Haji arranged a tour of Mekah town and the mosques nearby. We went to visit Jabal Uhud and Jabal Rahmah. I didn't like to see the condition of the camels. Once they were called the warriors of the desert. Proud, strong and hardened animal specially created as transport and war. Now, they were just on display, mistreated and worked for the entertainment of humans. Where was their pride? I know they were just animals but I felt for them. I refused to join those people to take photographs or climbed up the camels. I refused to support the abuse.                                                                                                                                                  

Jabal Rahmah was where Nabi Adam met Hawa after years of separation due to defying Allah's commands. I didn't climb to the top. Noor did. I didn't ask what he prayed for. This was the place where single men and women prayed to find their life partners.

Jabal Uhud was where the Muslims lost the war for not heeding Rasulullah's commands. We also went to Masjid Kuching (I can imagine all types of cats gathered here :-)) and Masjid Jin where I imagined all those naughty and mischievous Jins coming here to learn from Rasulullah but must be placated with some form of food i.e. the bones of animals. We also visited the market place where we saw some pilgrims buying foodstuff to cook. I loved the fruits. Since it was near the Mediterranean, the fruits were plentiful, colourful, large and juicy especially the apples and oranges. 

The cemetery where the dead were buried. It was slightly out of Mekah. Women were not allowed. We watched through the glass windows. The stones were grave markers. Little did we realised that Allahyarham Nazri would reside here. The few good men already chosen by Allah swt to be his guest here forever.

How comforting..... :-)

I dreamt of Mak last night. It had been some years since I last dreamt of her. It was a comforting sort of dream. I dreamt I was on a journey home to the old house. The journey was along some kampung houses, a walk through some trees, bushes....a safe, protected surrounding. I walked on and saw 4 young men selling drinks. I asked who the stall owner was. One of them pointed to the fourth young man. I told him if it was his stall, then he should be the one who  mixed the drinks and not his friend. He got up and mixed the drink. None of them uttered a word. I continued my walk along a sort of country walk. I just could not describe it. I reached my old house. I realised and saw suddenly that my house was surrounded by a waist height type of wall with openings on top of it where it was full of pots of flowers. It was beautiful. I knew Mak loved gardening and flowers but I couldn't recall a wall full of it. Anyway, it was a typical kampung house where all the doors and windows were wide open! Whoever heard of locked doors and grilled houses then!!!!

So, I just stepped over the walled flowered fence and entered the house. Mak was standing in the sitting area. I didn't enter deeply into the house. Just stepped into it and told her that I wanted my car keys as I had to fetch a friend. She just nodded and smiled. She looked calm and just like Mak when she was younger and strong.

Then I heard splashed water like somebody was taking a shower. I told her if it was Bapak, please informed him that I had to go and get my friend before it was dark. I didn't want him to be angry with me. (even in death!) He hated his children to be out after maghrib. I took the keys which was hanging on the wall. I went out to get the car. I remembered turning right to go home so I deduced that I had to turn left to go out again. I drove the car straight to an end road which was blocked by a row of plants with white flowers. I reversed the car and saw a man in white standing by his house full of the same plants. I nodded at him and suddenly saw a car behind me turning right. So, I followed suit and reached the main road.

What do you make of that? I woke up suddenly and saw that it was 3:27am. I said Alhamdulillah if it was her and not the satan. I realised that none of the people I met in my dream uttered a word. I asked Uztazah this morning. She said very few people could dream of the dead and those who dream of them are by themselves very special. I like that. Mak wanted to tell me that she was alright. The journey in my dream was to show me her place there. The people were all souls there. I hope so. Everyday my prayer is that whatever kindness and good deed that I do in this world, may Allah bestow it upon her so that she would have a peaceful and calm life over there. "Setiap kebaikan dan doa anak akan sampai kepada si mati dan membantu meringankan kehidupannya di alam sana". InsyaAllah.

Labbaikallah humma labbaik..... Mekah Part 1

Masjidil Haram - majestic, imposing and spectacular...a sanctuary for the sinned and tired souls

 After we checked into the hotel, Noor took me to Masjidil Haram. It was a 10 minute walk. I could just stand outside the imposing and gigantic mosque. It was Allah's home for His guests. I was hesitant and afraid. Was I welcome? Would I be a grateful and appreciative guest? Did I deserve this? Never in my whole 44 years of my life did I expect to be right in front of this symbolic building. Noor urged me into the mosque. The first thing that struck me was how cooling, spacious and welcoming it felt. All I could do was to go down on  my knees and sujud syukur. Tears ran down freely without wanting to. You just felt. You did not see or touch. It was just a heartfelt feeling of surrendering to the warmth, enfolding and encompassing love. It's 6 years ago but I could still feel it. I don't expect to go again in this life time. Unless He wills it.  We performed the tawaf and solat in the mosque.

We had already been forewarned that the generals and all the top officers of the satan brigade would be on duty : =D so to be very careful, patient and accepting. They were there to sway us from our faith and belief. Thus, before Noor and I started to argue since we were of so different personalities, I asked Noor's permisssion to go to the mosque on my own. I liked to go there early and just beriktikaf in it. So, we went our own way. He knew me. I only lived and breathed the mosque and the hotel. I did not go shopping neither did I merambu here and there. My life for the 36 days there was the mosque-hotel-mosque. It enveloped and shrouded my whole stay there. I went there to cleanse my self and my soul from the zillions of sins. I was always afraid Allah would not notice me since there were millions of us. I did not go there to have fun or shopping and Allah, the Most Compassionate and Beneficial, closed my heart to all the worldly offerings.

What struck me about Mekah? Madinah was clean, serene and organised. Mekah was organised chaos, dirty and busy all day and night. The mosque did not separate male and female. The only mosque on earth allowed to do so. The shopping complexes had a siesta between Zohor and Asar. Shopping came alive after Isyak. I only went around Mekah with Noor twice to look for Eton and his friend. We did not meet either. I prayed that we wouldn't as I didn't want any distractions, I got to keep my peace with myself and my mouth/tongue. Otherwise, Noor went around by himself. I guessed he'd prefer that. Where Noor went shopping, I was happy by myself either at the mosque or my room. I had nothing to buy. I didn't want to buy anything. I was happy. Alone but never lonely. The mosque never slept. The doors were never closed. There were always pilgrims around. Round the clock maintenance crew. Night and day mosque's officials. Staff from the various countries including Tabung Haji Malaysia. There's just no description. I slept because it was necessary to sleep so that I could be at the mosque on time.  I had no fear here. Allah is always near.  :=)

Labbaikallah humma labbaik..... Madinah Part 2

Masjid Nabawi at night - illuminating, mesmerising and hauntingly welcoming...

 What else do I remember about Madinah? Just the cleanliness, calmness and very organised. The mosque closed at 11pm and reopened at 3am. Once we thought we'd go early and reached the gates at 2:30am. There were already pilgrims waiting at the door steps. They allocated different doors for men and women. Different exits for men and women. Most of the time I was with my room mates or on my own. Here, I didn't depend on Noor and vice versa.

I found doing simple deeds satisfying and gratifying as well as so humbling. I always chose to sit with the Turkish because they had left quite an impression upon me when they helped me to enter raudhah. Sometimes, as I sat among them, they would put biscuits into my hands and insisted I took them. We could not communicate in languages but in smiles and gestures. Actions speak louder than words. When I was reading the Quran, this Turkish lady pat me on the arm. She showed me the page I was reading and pointed her fingers to her mouth. I assumed she wanted me to read out loud. After I finished the page, she patted me on the arm again to stop me. Then she pointed to herself and her mouth. It was her turn to read. After that, we both smiled happily. Simple, humbling and oh...so satisfying. An easy feeling of companionship and a sense of togetherness brought us together from different nations of the world. Islam. Allah. Mohamad. SubhanAllah

Another  incident was the Quran. Allah sent his messages in startling ways. Just nudges as reminders. I went for my Haj without taking my handphone or camera with me. I went for Allah and I refused any distractions. Since our arrival, only Noor communicated and called home or the boys. I pushed them out of my mind. On the third day, I was reading the Quran and the three faces of the boys kept appearing in my Quran. So clear and defined. I was so shocked and suddenly remembered them. Allah's way of reminding me that I still had my obligations on this earth besides towards Him. My tears rolled in silent remorse. Omayah asked what was wrong. I showed the Quran but she saw nothing. When we went back to the hotel I asked Noor for the telephone card and called home. The boys had been waiting for my call. Even though their father had called them, they wanted to hear from me. I apologised and told them that I would not call often but they would always be on my mind. MasyAllah. Lembutnya cara Engkau menegur hambaMu yang lalai ini.

Soon, it was time to leave Madinah for Mekah. The bus ride would take 4 hours due to the checkpoint. I slept most of the way. Thus I felt that it was only 2 hours. I was looking forward to enter Mekah and be Allah's guest. Layanan sungguh istimewa sebaik sampai ke toll hendak memasuki Mekah. Makanan, air zam-zam dan buah-buahan menyambut kami dari toll lagi. When we reached the gates of Mekah we saw the notice - "Non-muslims up to this point only".

Labbaikallah humma labbaik..... Madinah

 We reached Madinah airport late morning. We checked into the hotel which was just 5 minutes away from our hotel. We went there for our first prayers there - zohor. Madinah was still quite empty as it was still the early weeks. We would be here for 8 days and hopefully we'd get to do 40 waktu solat here, if Allah wills it. By the time we left for Mekah on the 8th day, subhanAllah, we managed to get 41 waktu solat at masjid Nabawi including Friday prayers. Alhamdulillah.

I loved Madinah. It's so clean, solemn, peaceful like everybody minded their manners, took care not to offend Rasulullah saw and maintained the sense of calmness and well-being. The men and women were separated at the mosque, even in the hotels. I got nice roomates and we got along fine during our short stay here. Omayah became a friend until now. Alhamdulillah. I wasn't interested in the sight seeing much. I didn't like to be away from masjid Nabawi. The most incredible incident?

We wanted to go to the raudhah to pay our respects to Rasulullah. Women were not allowed to go to the raudhah where his tomb and his two best friends were. So, there was a partition that separated the men and women section of the raudhah. You would notice this through the colour of the carpet. The Tabung Haji tour had arranged for the women to visit the raudhah. Since it wasn't yet packed with pilgrims, we had hopes that we could go near the raudhah. Omayah went with me. We entered the specific section of the mosque. There were so many people and we were quite lost as where to go next. Yet, we wanted so much to go and just pay our respects.  Allah is All Knowing what is in the hearts of his devotees. 
"Berdoalah kepada Ku nescaya akan Ku perkenankan." (Al-Mukmin :60)


By sheer decree from Allah swt, a group of Turkish pilgrims were behind us. They were big and cuddly sized. They simply took our arms and carried us along with them. We were dumbfounded when they put us down, the colour of the carpet was the raudhah. We were put right under the mimbar and facing the wooden partition of the raudhah. We looked at each other, smiled and cried with happiness and satisfaction. We joined them in prayers and doa. Our tears just rolled down freely with the compassion of Allah swt. When we were done, we looked back and saw that there was no way we could get through the crowd behind us. Again, the Turkish ladies just carried us out. We were still in the vicinity of the raudhah. We could just sat there, watch the others struggling, pushing and shoving each other. We cried tears of joy and just continued with our prayers until the coast was clear for us to leave. MasyAllah. SubhanAllah. Alhamdulillah.

What do you make of this?

Do you believe in mysterious incidents and the might of Allah? Or is it just my overactive imagination? Well, let me tell you what had happened to me this past few weeks.


Last month, after the fasting month, and we were already back to school, I was on my way home from school. The radio was on as usual at 89.0 i.e. IKIM.FM. When I reached home, and switched off the radio, it refused to turn off the lights. The sound is off but the channel and lights were on. I tried to press the off button or any buttons but they refused to function. I took off the key from the ignition, yet the lights were still on. Oh dear, this would affect the battery.  So, when Noor came home that evening, he took out the fuse wire, yet the lights were on. He took off the battery and it was still on. We were mystified yet nothing crossed our minds. The next morning I took his car to school. He said he'd have it checked out at the mechanic later. Later, when he turned on the engine, the lights went off by themselves. He turned on the radio and it was back to normal. What do you make of it?


A few days later, I reached home after school at around 2:30pm. I pulled open the gate to get my car into the porch. The gate was heavy so of course I made a lot of noise. The neighbourhood was silent as usual. Nobody was around at this hour. My house was at the end of the row and next to the side road. There's a plot of undeveloped land where my neighbour planted some plants.There was an aquarium with a few catfish (keli) near the gate. Halfway from pulling open the gate, I saw something moved at the aquarium. It was like a long tail or something swishing left and right. I continued with the gate as I thought it was a large mengkarung. I turned towards the aquarium and saw a light green, long snake coiling itself around the fence near the aquarium. I stared at it helplessly. I hated snakes or anything that was slimy and cold. There's no use screaming as nobody would hear me. I banged at the gate hoping that the loud noise would encouraged it to run away. It just coiled further up the fence and lifted up its brownish little head and stared at me. I was like a cat on a hot seat. I thought snakes were afraid of humans and noise right? I quickly snatched a broom nearby and used the handle part of it to knock against the gate so that it would go away. I told it to go home. Yet, it simply crawled over the fence. I tried to chase it but I was afraid to hit it. It was so fast. It entered the open store room (it was grilled up) at the side of the house and hid in one of the many things that Noor collected in it. I entered the house and locked the door. I was very unhappy and kept imagining the snake slicked itself into the house. We had a grey coloured cobra (tedung sawah) which entered the house while I was sleeping on the sofa one night. It was happily coiling itself opposite me on the floor as though looking after me. I was alone in the house as usual and it was during my recovery period after my surgery. Noor and the boys came home that night and pushed opened the door. That was when I noticed it moved!!!  The boys, Akmal and Syafiq, were my hero. They beat up the snake to death.  I asked around the next day about the green snake and they said it was ular daun. Yet, if it bit you, it can be dangerous but not poisonous. It was quite long - slightly longer the length of your arm. So, I pushed it away like it was just another incident living close to nature


I had forgotten about the snake but I never left the door open anymore. Early morning about 6:45am, two days later, I was ready to go to school. As usual, I put my feet into my shoes. I felt something furry at the end of my toe. I quickly took out my right foot. I hated creepy crawlies. Nothing crossed my mind. Maybe it was the shoe's lining or something. I put my foot again and still that ticklish furry touch. I took out my foot and gave an upside down knock and out came out a large furry greyish caterpillar. The kind where if it got in touch with you, it would give your skin a bad, itchy rash. It didn't try to squirrel off or crawled away. So, without thinking, I stomped the creature with my feet and squashed it. I still didn't connect these incidents.


Two days later, I came back from school and wanted to go to the bathroom to clean up myself. Usually I used the bathroom at the back or second bathroom. But that day, without thinking I entered the front bathroom and thankfully, I looked down before stepping into it. A large centipede was waiting on the floor where you had to step on it. I stopped my foot in mid-air and stomped the floor instead. It was just sitting there quietly. I wanted to make sure it was dead. These creatures are supposed to be sensitive to vibrations right? It didn't run away as it should or made its getaway. Instead it just crawled to and fro that specific area. I took my slipper and just killed it. I was so scared. It gave me the creeps and made my hair rose when I kept beating it with my slipper.


Suddenly it dawned on me these three incidents happened within that week.It only happened to me. I was alone at that time. There was no neighbour or anybody around. These creatures are poisonous in their own way albeit not life-threatening. They didn't try to get away from me. I remembered hearing a ceramah on TV about poisonous creatures being sent to a specific person three times just to test that person's ilmu. Black magic. Just to try out. Noor was aking if I went somewhere where something could have followed me home. I am a person who goes to school and home and unless I have a reason, I will go to town to get my stuff. I only drop by the mini market or the sundry shop near my area to get whatever I need. Noor's question was "Siapa yang ikut I balik ni?" I don't want to think about it. I could have offended someone. These creatures could have caused discomfort to me. I could have been bitten by the snake or the caterpillar. But the cream was the centipede. If I had to avoid it and was caught by surprise, I would have fallen in the bathroom. Looking at the position, my head would hit the floor first. It could cause an injury. Alhamdulillah, I am still protected. Maybe through my sons' doa or my family....


I thought it had stopped there. Last week, something mysterious happened in the exam room where I usually am in school. My room la. I had typed something and in an inserted table. I couldn't have possibly typed outside the table right? Print preview showed that everything was in place. The words and the date. I printed out and what came out was only the words but no date and the table was adjusted to the words only. Luckily I had my staff with me. She was mystified as she checked the print preview. We tried 5 times (which was a waste of ink and paper) and it was still the same. Finally, upon the sixth try, it came out as it was supposed to be. No, we didn't make any adjustments. Luckily this lady was the type that persevered and refused to give up.
So, what do you think of it?

Labbaikallah humma labbaik..... the departure

Soon, it was time to leave. My mother in-law wanted to hold a khenduri to send us off. Of course, my family had to take a back seat. My sisters and the others would gather at Wah's house and we would depart from there. That was the plan. So, they had this khenduri, doa selamat, baca yaasin. Noor and I humoured his mother. Like the sending off with an umbrella, writing our names on the wall of the house so that we would be called home. This coming from people whom I considered warak and sangat beragama. Oh well...just follow their traditions.

We reached Wah's house almost Asar. As usual it will be a few hours at my family's house and a couple of days at his mother's house. I was fuming with unfairness. My sisters knew me so well. They told me to ignore it and just beristighfar. Pergi dengan hati yang tenang. Zaiton came with a few old school mates. Honestly, I didn't remember their names. I knew them.They were not from my clique of friends. They were classmates. Nooraini came. Zaiton said that she was also going but a later flight and she would look me up in Mecca. Abang and Kak Che Mah came. Finally we were sent off to Tabung Haji complex. Noor's family, cousins, relatives were all there. Kak Ti, Adik, Kak Che Mah came for a few minutes. Surprisingly, Othman came. I told my sisters to go off. We needed to settle the checking in and everything. I just wanted to go. I kissed the boys goodbye and said our farewells.

Finally, it was time to enter the complex. Feelings of relief that we were finally leaving, fear if anything should go wrong, bewilderment if it was really me going... I blanked out my feelings of leaving the boys. I had given them in the care of someone I trusted. I went with an open mind, humility and accepting whatever came my way with patience and redha. I asked for Noor's forgiveness and keredhaan. Now, I was ready to be a guest of my Creator.

The bus left the complex for KLIA about midnight with police riders accompanying us. There were not much hassles or difficulties and I enjoyed the 8 hours flight to Madinah. The Saudi Air had two levels and it gave me space to walk up and down the levels to stretch my legs. I was not a friendly person and I kept mostly to myself doing what I enjoyed most - people watching.  :=))

Labbaikallah humma labbaik..... the preparation.

Noor and I never really talked about this pilgrimage. He prepared his own and I did my own preparations. Financially, we paid our own fares and bore our own expenses. I didn't want to be obliged to him for my journey towards Allah. He had given me so much and the ultimate purpose in a muslim's life is the completion of the fifth tenet of the pillar of Islam. The Haj. I wanted to be blessed by Him. I wanted the best for Him. Not just going for the sake of going. Since He had given me the best in my life, I would like to give the best in return. I told Noor I wanted to take the package offered and not the muassasah. We could afford it so why not? I was willing to spend everything I had for Him. I was very grateful that Noor complied with my requests. We were going for the sake of fulfilling and completing the 5th pillar of Islam. We were going because we had committed so much sins that we were afraid if Allah would not forgive us. We were going because we were invited to be His guest. A humble servant looking for the blessing of the Most Compassionate and the Most Loving of Creator.
 
My plan was to leave the boys with Mak so that they could take care of her. Allah worked in mysterious ways. He took Mak away so that between Noor and I there would be no arguments. He wanted to leave the boys with his family. Thus, I had no choice but to agree. I didn't buy anything or knew what to bring. I followed whatever was given in the manual. I listened and accepted people's suggestions but I followed my heart and common sense. I kept an open mind and just brought whatever I needed. Being a simple person, this was the easiest of preparations. I brought the telekung which Akmal gave me and the one an old friend, Naimah, gave as a farewell gift when she went off to follow her husband.  I was not a pious person. Neither was I religious. I always thought that the Haj was only for people who were good and religious.

I was afraid to go actually. Afraid I might not do it properly. Afraid I might do things wrongly. Afraid of arousing His wrath. Afraid I might just not be able to perform it. Afraid of the real and imagined things. Finally, I decided to numb all my emotions. Buried all my doubts. Put away all the superstitions that I heard. Blanked out any feelings. I shall go as myself. Seorang hamba yang sangat kerdil dan takut akan Penciptanya. Seorang hamba yang pergi hanya untuk mencari keampunan dan keredhaanNya. Seorang hamba yang sangat mengharapkan kerahmatanNya. Seorang hamba yang hanya mampu berserah segala-galanya kepadaNya. Jika Dia merasakan diri ini layak menziarahi tempat Rasulullah saw, kekasihNya, dan layak menjejakkan kaki ke rumahNya di Mekah....maka diri ini akan pergi dengan penuh tawadduk dan tawakkal hanya kepadaNya supaya segala-galanya dipermudahkan.

Labbaikallah humma labbaik..... the offer.

The year was 2002. We got an offer to go for our Haj albeit in the waiting list. I had already received an offer to further my studies for three years to USM. Register for USM was in June 2002 and the Haj that year was in December. I pondered over it. So much nikmat in so short a time. Finally, I told Noor I couldn't concentrate on two major things in my life. Noor was understanding and did not push me to go for the Haj. I know he wanted to go but he accepted my decision and decided to wait. I didn't want to appear like I was so greedy that I wanted to grab everything thrown out to  me. Then, I couldn't do my best for these things. Thus, we went to Tabung Haji and asked for a deferment to 2006 i.e. after I graduated from USM in 2005. Alhamdulillah, they agreed.

I went to study and did my best. April 2005 I completed my studies and got my posting to my former school. May 2005 we received another surprise. We were offered again to go for our Haj that year. This time it was a confirmed offer and not on the waiting list. I was dumbfounded and kept asking Noor what did the offer meant. We were not prepared for anything. We got ourselves registered and agreed to accept although we didn't really know anything about the pilgrimage. We heard about it but not really into it.

So many well meaning friends and people started to give advice, words, encouragement, support and not less gave stories that scared you etc. Finally, I refused to let anybody's words influenced me. I bought whatever relevant books and started reading seriously. We went for the Haji course conducted by Tabung Haji and tried not to miss a single class. Honestly, it helped a little but I was still blank about it. It was not what you did everyday in your life. I talked to my uztazah who was more practical. Spiritually I was not ready. Emotionally I blanked my feelings about going. Physically I was not really healthy with my blood pressure and my weak knees. Financially, suddenly I had so much money with the arrears from the DG29, the claims and whatnots. When Allah called you, only He could make the path easy or difficult. It was too smooth for me. It scared me. I was afraid to go and be an invited guest to His Home. To pay my respects to my Prophet (pbuh). I was afraid I might not justify the invitation.

I went back to Melaka in June for Juli's wedding. I told Mak about the offer. She was very happy for me and reminisced about her pilgrimage. Kak Ti had sent her bags to Mak's house so that I could use them.That night I slept with Mak in her room and we talked the night away. That was the last time I saw her. She passed away in August that year. Allah gave something and He took away something as replacement so that we learned to be grateful and be humbled by His ways. My graduation and convocation was a week after Mak's death. After that, I pushed everything back in the recesses of my mind and concentrated on the preparation for the journey of a lifetime.

Masjidil Haram 2005M / 1426H

Bapak....(4)

4:00 am. 27th January 1982. The two hounds next door were barking like crazy. Sham and I, who slept downstairs, woke up with a start. We were afraid that somebody tried to break into the house. We heard uncle's voice calling out to us. We opened our window which was facing his house and was told that two policemen were outside and asking for me. I told him that I was the one. He told us to open the door and he would wait outside near the fence with the two dobermans. So, Sham and I opened the door and unlocked the gate. The policemen wanted to deliver a telegram to me. At 4:30am in the morning I received a telegram stating that "Bapak was very sick. Please come home." By now, Muna and Leha were also up. I was quiet. The girls boiled some water and made drinks while I prepared to go home to Melaka.

Bapak had been admitted to the ICU since last week. I was home  last week. He was on ventilator due to difficult breathing. This was his third stroke. I was home that weekend when we had to call the ambulance to take him to the hospital. Before I returned to college, I went to see him at the ICU and told him that I would be back next weekend. I asked him to wait for me. He nodded his head. It was not a weekend when the telegram came. He did not wait for me. For the first time in his life, he did not keep his word to me.

I reached home almost noon. They were performing the bathing and cleaning ritual for the dead. My family told me that Bapak passed away early that morning. I ran upstairs and cried. Cried because I felt devastated. I felt betrayed. I felt helpless. I felt lost. My world had fallen apart. It struck me then that I had no more father to confide in, to be loved, to be protected and to feel secure. I had lost my protector. Slowly, somebody called to me to bid farewell and warned me not to let my tears dropped on his body. I tried very hard just to kiss him on his forehead and control my tears. Then I ran upstairs and sobbed my heart out. We went to the cemetery to watch the burial and bid him adieu. He was the best father albeit a difficult one for my young age.

That year I turned 21. I lost my father. With him gone, I lost my childhood home. I lost my serene, sweet mother. She became depressed, dependent and lost. With Bapak gone, I was forced to grow up. Gone was the happy, confident and easy going Hani. I grew up a serious, responsible and committed to my family. I lost my trust and faith in men. My father never waited for me. It took me five years to forget a relationship which I had since Form 6. He also didn't wait for me. Finally I accepted and learned to trust an old friend who now is my life partner. He waited for me. He persevered. He was very patient and let me got over my hurts and disappointments. Thank you, Bapak, for who I am and have become. I am getting along fine in my life now. Rest in peace now that Mak is with you. You had always taken care of us. May every good deed that we do in this life makes your life over there peaceful and somehow takes care of you. InsyaAllah. Amin.