Trials....Punishment...OR Expiation...?????

Saturday, 28th July 2012. 8th Ramadhan 1433H. You always thought it's just going to be another straight forward, normal, no earth shattering weekend. :-{ ....   this weekend was so so tiring and exhausting.

The day started normal enough. I went for my tafakkur ad-din class even though I was so exhausted. I just pushed myself to get up. Sometimes I marvelled at the strength and patience that Allah bestowed upon me. I still felt dizzy and light-headed. Maybe due to the medication. I knew I needed time to heal my body after the minor operation but I just continued to self-abuse my body. Nobody cared anyway. As long as I did not upset anybody's routine, it's just a small sacrifice. Maybe I should just learn to be selfish.

When I returned from class, all I could do was lie down on the sofa. I just felt so lethargic but the class was worth going. I rested for a while and forced myself to get up for Zohor prayers. After that, I started cooking for Ikram and the others. Omayah and I had planned to visit the boys later. By 3:30pm everything was done and I started to leave the house. I wanted to drop by my area's mini market to get some things for Ikram. As I was driving straight ahead towards the mini market, a loud crashing sound was heard. My heart stopped beating! What had I done??????? I stopped the car immediately and a blue Proton Saga stopped reversing mid-way. Oh No!!!!! I did not see him and neither did he. He had crashed into my car. The side part of the second passenger side door. The back bumper had slightly fallen out, the side door was dented and of course, the scratch. I looked at him and apologized. MasyaAllah, what was this now, ya Allah????  Maybe I was so exhausted and was not focusing. Anyway, although I was on the right of way and it was he who crashed into me, I apologized first.

Both of us parked our cars and he was a nice man. He was also apologetic because he did not see me. I was very calm (Allah knows how I could control my composure as I was shaking with fright inside). I was more glad that he was not being rough, defensive or angry. He looked upset but I told him it was okay. He said he worked at the printing shop in one of the shophouses. He's a Malay man, in his forties I think and he looked like a nice man. Well, everybody looks nice to me!!! He asked me where I was going so I told him I wanted to send some food to my son in Changlun. He was very sorry about it. He said he would try to secure the fallen bumper so that I would be quite safe. I told him I had to go and get some things for my son (I was very trusting) and left the car to him. So, he tried to get a steel wire and managed to secure the bumper while I went to the mini market. We exchanged phone numbers and made an appointment for tomorrow at his friend's repair shop. He said the bumper was a total loss and would have to be replaced. He looked very worried. My hands were shaking with the crash. I could just istighfar. I told him we'd see about it tomorrow. I really had to go because I had promised Omayah. I had a tight schedule as I had to be back by 6:30pm to send the food to the shop for breaking fast.

The fallen back bumper - the man was kind enough to secure it with a steel wire

Dented...

View from the back - thankfully it was not the petrol tank area

When I reached Omayah's house, she was shocked and told me that the man was at fault. He had to pay the costs. I told her I'd handle it tomorrow. I was sorry for him. I felt so exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally. Yet, I persevered. Luckily Omayah was driving so I could take a deep breath and tried to gather my strength again. She tried to distract my attention and Alhamdulillah, we enjoyed the drive and meeting the boys. She asked me if I had called Noor and I said not yet. I told her that he would just get angry and blamed everybody and me for being careless or whatever. I was too tired to handle that. Just like the incident when the car's engine went dead at the Seberang Perai busy highway in Penang last year. Syafiq and I got a scolding instead of support. So, Omayah said maybe I should just handle it myself. She told me to make the man pay for the repair. I sympathised with him also. That was why she was insistent that the man had to learn his lesson, too. Oh well....maybe if I could afford it??? Kesian kat dia....

Ya Allah, You gave us trials to test us, to remind us and to expiate our sins and elevate our status on earth. I had been facing one trial after another. Small ones and major ones at the start of Ramadhan. I had to face it most of the time alone. I only had You, ya Allah. I don't know what I had done so wrong in my life to be faced with such trials and tribulations. Yet, in all gentleness and compassion, You gave me strength and patience. There was no anger with any of these trials. Everything happened for a reason. It was fated that this accident would happen today at about 3:40pm. There was only gratefulness and thankfulness. You still wanted me to know that You are always with me. You gave me friends and family when I had nobody close for support and encouragement. You gave me people who love, care and worry about me. From them, I found the strength. I never questioned why. It was meant to happen. I believe maybe I had done something wrong that I needed to be reminded. MasyaAllah. SubhanAllah. Alhamdulillah. I accepted and believed that if I turned to You and relied only on You, You would see me through. InsyaAllah.

"If Allah brings you to it, only He can bring you through it."

"Hasbiyallah-hu-laillahaillahu-'alaihi tawakkal tu-wa huwa rabbul 'arsyil 'azim"