I'm walking in the rain... :-D))

It has been raining the whole week. The kind of rain that just pours. I actually love this weather. I know it will not last long so I want to fully utilise my favourite weather. As unpredictable as the weather is, I still go for my walk. It is therapeutic and diffuse whatever depressing emotions I may be feeling. The walk makes the gloom goes away and leaves me refresh, in a good mood, tired body and makes me go to sleep like a baby. I wake up feeling good with myself, a feeling that everything is alright with the world and most importantly - keeps me sane.  :-D)))

I usually walk around the golf area and it  takes about 15 minutes per round of brisk walking. Depending on my mood, sometimes it takes 20 minutes. I usually cover 2 rounds which is equivalent to 30 minutes of required exercise. Now I can walk for 3 rounds which means I walk for 45 minutes. Fridays I usually go in the morning about 7:00am. The park will be full of people being a weekend. Groups doing tai-chi at one corner. Another group doing aerobics. One group doing the poco-poco. Music blared around the park. Soothing, instrumental music from the tai-chi group. Loud, funky music from the aerobics group. Most of the walkers are veterans or senior citizens. A lot of young ones who are health conscious are here too. The professional runners and joggers. What is nice about this place is I walk incognito. Nobody knows me and I do not know anybody. I just do my walk on my own in peace and at my own pace. Deep in my zikir and my own thoughts. Dreams of the impossible and possible. Most of the time just observing and enjoying these people's antics.  :-})

Compare to the evening, there are very few walkers and joggers. It is quiet and peaceful except for the sound of golf balls being hit by the golfers nearby. I love it because it is calm and peaceful walking around this area and taking in the view. I usually go after 'Asar so I will reach here about 5:00pm. I will have done my walk before six and be home to get ready for Maghrib.

Today, as usual, I go for my walk amidst the cloudy weather. I knew it was going to rain but I went ahead and just left everything to Allah. It was already drizzling at my area. There were a few walkers and joggers as usual. I managed two and a half rounds before it started to drop big raindrops. As suddenly as it started, it poured. I was still halfway through the last lap. I jogged but then I gave up and just enjoyed walking in the rain. It was such a happy, child-like, joyful feeling where you were told not to play in the rain yet you went ahead and defied your parents. Come on, I am sure most of you have done this! I was drenched and finally got into my car. I was laughing happily and it felt good. I know it is childish but once in a while, just let loose. It was satisfying. Besides, nobody saw me and knew me. So, I guess that justified my actions. Well...to each its own.  :-)

Nikmat atau Dugaan ???

Mutiara Hati Santapan Rohani

♥ Kita BERKENALAN secara tak sengaja, adalah PERANCANGAN ALLAH.
♥ Kita BERKAWAN begitu lama bertahan pun, ALLAH yang RANCANG.
♥ Kita dikurniakan RASA SUKA antara satu sama lain juga, ALLAH yang BERI.
♥ Kita masih BERSAMA walau banyak dugaan menimpa, ALLAH yang ATURKAN.
♥ Kita dikurniakan KESEDARAN dan KEINSAFAN juga kerana, ALLAH SAYANG PADA KITA.

♥ Kita BERJAUHAN untuk mencapai REDHA-NYA juga, DIA yang RANCANG.
♥ Kita BERDOA untuk KEBAHAGIAAN masing2 juga, ALLAH yang DETIKKAN dalam hati kita.

It's Always the Right Time .... :-)

Hmmm..an interesting day and proof that Allah had planned everything that happened in our lives. Once again I see the Mighty Allah working His magic. Weaving His plans into His devotees lives. It never crossed our minds nor our thoughts. It was actually a nice surprise and scary, in a way.        :-D)))   

Thursday, 20th Sept. I was at SMK Sultan Abdul Halim school in Jitra for a sharing workshop on the final leap in English for PMR with 60 other teachers from the 5 districts of Kedah. I met Farizat again after the USM convo which was like...7 years ago! She looked just the same. We caught up with each other while having our break and I gave her my address for her son's wedding invitation card in December. That was nice. The workshop was enlightening and I managed to get a few more tips for my talk for my students next Wednesday. Well...we do all that we could even though PMR is only 2 weeks away, who knows? Last minute talk sometimes stick into their minds! The best part was the workshop ended at 3:30pm instead of 4:30pm. I took a leisurely drive home from Jitra - which took me about 35 minutes. I planned to go for my walk as I had been sitting down for 7 hours!!!

When I reached the park about 5pm, the skies were very dark. There were very few cars and walkers. I stood outside the car and breathed in the cold, refreshing air. Strong winds were blowing. Thus, I did not think it would be wise to continue my walk. People might think I was crazy to walk in the rain. So, I kept my sneakers and started driving towards town. I needed to settle the internet bill.

When I reached town, which was only 10 minutes away, the wind was very strong and the clouds were heavier. It rained heavily when I was already in the complex. Alhamdulillah. I quickly walked to the P1 kiosk and enquired why the internet was suspended. I brought my receipt. I am very particular about my bills. A different young woman was in charge. So, I sat down and she called her boss who was in charge the day I paid the bill. As we were waiting for the calls or whatever they had to do, this young woman, Farihah, started talking about her life. I hardly know her and vice versa. There must be something about me that made her opened up and talked to me about her life. Maybe she just needed to let out. Slowly, she told me the story of her life without any encouragement or prompting from me! :-0

She is only 28 years old but she had lost both her parents, gone through 2 marriages, a divorce, an annulment, lost custody of her son,  returned to her grandparents, found salvation through dreams, returned to the path of Allah, getting to know a businessman cum uztaz who happened to be her brother's friend .... all within the one hour I was there. As she talked, I gave opinions and advice (like the crisis centre - all I did was listened. Maybe talking to strangers helped to ease her troubled mind) She asked if I was an uztazah! I was honoured because this was the second time somebody asked and called me an uztazah! I didn't think I look like one with my T-shirt, running tracks and slippers.  I introduced her and accepted her on my Facebook. Allah worked in mysterious ways. I honestly do not understand His actions today. It was meant and fated that both of us met today. It was decreed that I became someone that she prayed she would meet. Someone who would help her and guide her.  :-o

Scary because I don't think I am the right person to do so. With my liberal and contemporary views on religion albeit guided and strictly followed the Sunnah, I know I am ill-equipped to guide her in the matters of religion. I myself needed guidance and always prayed for someone to help me, guide me and show me the way to get closer to Him. Did I give her the correct interpretation of what she had asked me? I was always afraid I might just said things without thinking. She asked questions that I was of no authority to answer. So, I could only give her my interpretations. Ya Allah, I am the one who thought that my problems are unsolvable ... You showed me someone who had faced so much trials and tests in such a young life. Yet, You showed her compassion and mercy by pulling her back to You. She had lost so much but she kept her spirit intact. Her tears fell silently and since we were in a public place, she controlled herself. I had no idea what I was doing there. All I could do was took a deep breath, istighfar and hoped I had done right.

I don't know what You had planned for me now. Maybe another way out of my problems yet to be taken care of. So that I do not think so much of myself. That my problem is so small and can be handled. I could only pray for guidance from You. I am forming a relationship with this young woman in Your name, ya Allah. Help me to help her. Guide me to guide her. Alhamdulillah kerana mengizinkan satu jalinan ukhuwah dan silaturrahim yang tidak di jangka dan di duga. Mungkin ini juga ujian untuk ku, tauhid ku, aqidah ku dan agama ku. Kami saling memerlukan dan hanya Engkau yang lebih Mengetahui. She came into my life without any planning or wanting. May both of us become enrich because of You. InsyaAllah. For now, she knows she has someone to turn to for support, guidance and encouragement. I broke the first rule of Women's Crisis Centre - never get personally and emotionally involve. Oh well .....

If it is meant to be .....

"Nothing in life is a coincidence. Everything is fated and meant to happen when the time is right. As it is meant to be. Just have Faith." InsyaAllah.

A walk in the park ...

Friday, 14th Sept. A very cold, crispy morning. It had been raining intermittently this week. On and off kind of rain. There was a heavy storm with strong winds, thunder and lightning one night. I need to get out before I become suffocated and claustrophobic with my situation. So, instead of taking my morning walk at my usual route - the IWK area - I went to Taman Rekreasi Jubli Perak or otherwise known as Taman Rimba near Wisma Darul Aman. I needed to drive out. It's about 15 minutes without traffic. The skies were still dark and the air was chilly but I felt alive, refreshed and what a huge difference fresh air could do to you. It certainly lifted off the feelings of being overwhelmed and depressed.

The route around the golf area was quite stretched out. It took about 14 minutes to complete one round with brisk walking. The air was still cold. There were many like minded people whose main aim coming here was to complete their walk. I joined them and walked mindlessly. While reciting my zikir I enjoyed and appreciated looking at the large mansions, mini palaces for the family of the Sultan, the tai-chi groups, the dance aerobic groups, young men running with all their exuberance of age and vitality .... so many things and people to observe while completing my walk. The wind was getting colder and skies darker. I still continued with my third round which meant it was the targeted 30 minutes exercise. When I was almost near my car, it started raining heavily. Everybody was quite relaxed about it and continued walking in the rain albeit pacing up their steps. I joined them too and laughed at myself while running towards my car. MasyaAllah. SubhanAllah. Alhamdulillah. He allowed me to complete my walk.

Opposite the park is the pavement for doing your walk around part of the golf course

 I think I have been cooped up in the house for long periods of time. Life is school, home, the mini market if I need something, once in a while meeting up with friends but hardly out of the house. I do my walk in the house and my step-up exercise on the machine...thus I think I should change my routine and get out in the fresh air. At least it is good for the body, mind and soul. That is why I like going back to Kelana Jaya as the park is just round the corner of Wah's house. Hence, every morning after I send her off to the LRT station, I go off for my walk.

Now that it is coming to the end of the year, workload is much lighter. I hope to continue doing this in the evening although I don't like the heat. Kedah has extreme weather. When it rains, it pours. When it shines, it blazes. InsyaAllah, 30 minutes, at least 3 times a week is not too much to ask, right? But...doing it consistently is the difficult part. I need to maintain my weight to control my sugar level and cholesterol as I honestly don't like to depend on drugs. Since the doctor said I could do it with diet and weight control, so, I would rather follow that advice. I have to take care of myself since I am responsible for myself. If only I have someone who want to do this with me ...  :-)
 

Andai Kau Tahu Hujan di Hati .....

Life is ....

So, you think you can get away from me????  Determination.

Ooooppppssss....emergency brakes!!!!! Tenacity.

Oh!..oh!...how do I get out of this mess!!! HELP!!!! somebody...please HELP ME!!!!

Joy and Happiness... :-D))) Life is PERFECT!

Please...please...send me the fishes .... food...food....

Oooohhh..this is blisss...

Ooooohhhh...I am GOOD!!!

Oookkkaaayyy....Just a little bit more...I think I get it right this time... :-D))

What?????!!! I haven't done anything .... yet!  :-}

Humans should really stop and smell the flowers! See what it is doing to me!!  :-D)))

Little gestures but much gratitude... :-)

Kuala Kedah jetty terminal. I had not been here for a few years. It had been upgraded. It looked much sophisticated and clean. Sort of like Pudu Raya bus terminal in Kuala Lumpur. I went in and looked around the departure area. It's 4:00pm, Thursday 6th September. I was waiting for Furziah's arrival from Langkawi. She attended an English trainers' course for the last four days. I looked at the few passengers waiting for the next ferry. The ticket booths to Langkawi were outside and neatly organised. There were booths offering services in Langkawi in the departure area. I went around and read each one - some were offering island hopping services, hotels and accommodation, car rentals, touring the island - that seemed convenient since one would already have arranged everything here and had a peace of mind once one reached Langkawi. Hmm...interesting.

Kuala Kedah Ferry Terminal

The departure hall in the terminal - much comfortable except for the loud TV screen

I bought my newspaper from one the kiosks and went to the arrival area. I made myself comfortable on one the stairways and began reading the paper. I could smell the stench of the sea. I observed the restlessness of other people waiting for the arrivals of their friends or families. I was comfortable and was happily talking over the phone with a friend while killing time. Finally, the ferry arrived. It was a large LADA ferry. It used to be only the small ones. The weather had not been good for the past two days. I went to stand next to a young lady with two young kids. I liked to watch the arrival of people especially at airports. There was a group of Jabatan Kebajikan Masyarakat people gauging by the official vests that they wore. Everybody seemed to be in a rush. Sometimes, I wondered to myself - one had already arrived safely so why not just had the luxury to just slow down and relax? I saw Hafiz, Ita's husband. He was from the JKM group. Then, another group of youngsters with SMK Mergong T-shirts noisily and happily made their way out of the arrival galley. At least they must had an enjoyable time there. :-D  Some were weekend travellers who worked in Langkawi and returned weekly home. It was interesting to watch their tired, weary but relieved faces. The young lady with the two kids near me was still looking out for her husband, I guess. Furziah had still not disembarked from the ferry. It was a large ferry.

The bridge to and fro the ferry.

Finally, I saw her walking towards the arrival bridge with two bags in tow. :-D))  I waved to her. It was so satisfying that some people don't change. We hugged each other and  walked towards her car near the parking lot. We caught up with each other and updated on whatever crossed our minds. She insisted that she wanted to eat "laksa Teluk Kecai". So, along the way, we stopped at Zakaria Laksa Teluk Kecai to satisfy her craving. Personally, I don't really dig it. But...to each its own.

Laksa Teluk Kecai with the sambal kelapa.  :-)

 After that she had to send me home. We talked until we took a wrong turning to my house direction. We laughed about it and got on the right track. We planned to meet up sometime before the holidays. InsyaAllah, I will go to Penang and spend the weekend there and somehow arranged for a mini reunion with the ex-ELLS colleagues of 2002/05. Then, as tired as she was, she started driving back to Penang. It was a happy and satisfying flying meeting.

Alhamdulillah. Thank you, Allah. For allowing me to meet up with an old friend albeit for a couple of hours. Just as I was in KL, and You allowed me to meet up with another old friend. Little gestures from You but accepted with much grace and gratitude. Satisfying. Fulfilling and Uplifting. I asked for so little yet You gave me so much. MasyaAllah. SubhanAllah. Alhamdulillah.

So, why worry?

 

What it means to be alive ...

“Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back. That's part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads - at least that's where I imagine it - there's a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in awhile, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you'll live forever in your own private library.”
 

― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

As long as we have feelings, we are considered "alive". Even feelings long deeply buried and past. We can still feel although the intensity of that feeling will not be as stronger now as it was then. The grief, the sadness, the happiness, the excitement ..... So, we keep them in our minds. And certain experiences, incidents, meetings, unexpected turn of events .... act as triggers to this part of the mind. It is so private that there is no password or entry to anybody else but us. When life is not treating us right or we feel victimised or so down and at the lowest point of our lives ..... we return to this sanctuary of preserved feelings, lost opportunities and lost possibilities to keep alive. We search through the stacks of memory cards for the specific feeling as of this particular time. The saddest part is when one day.... we are so overwhelmed by this feeling that we become immerse in it, live in it, and thus.... we become so lost in it that we reject the life now. We refuse to accept reality. Hence, we have a case where one cannot draw the line between reality and memory.

The question is  -  what if there are no feelings left? Where even the memory of it is gone. Nothingness. Meaningless. Numbness. Dead?

This too will pass .... Life goes on... ;-}

Happy Birthday Bapak.... 2 SEPT 2012

If Bapak had lived, he would be 101 years old since he was born in 1911. Since I was in Melaka, I went to visit his grave. I went alone and spent some quiet moments with both Mak and Bapak. I took my own sweet time to recite the Yaasin for both of them, the whole row of Bapak's family and all the departed souls. I preferred to go alone since I could take my time and had a "dialogue" session with them.

I used to do that a lot after Bapak passed away. For almost two years I kept going to his grave to talk things over with him. I did that today. I talked about my predicament to both of them. Allah willing, InsyaAllah, He let them hear me. I just talked about it. Nobody was at the cemetery at that early, quiet and tranquil, cool morning. I was at peace. I felt safe and comfortable. The dead could not talk about it. Besides Allah, I could talk to them. :-)  No, I was not crazy yet. It was a safe and good outlet.

After that, I took a slow drive around my old home. Peringgit. The hills. The old school where we had the GPMS class. My old agama school. Ah Yan's grocery shop. The old shop lots which had been turned down and replaced into double storey shophouses. My old second home i.e. Pantai Peringgit, which had now been rented out. Yeah...nostalgia. I took a deep breath and smiled a sad, forlorn and innocence lost smile. But .... all good things come to an end. All storms passed. Life goes on....

Happy birthday, Bapak. I am glad for today. I could still visit you and Mak. Thank you, Allah, for this little fulfillment.

Tanah Perkuburan, Peringgit - kubur Mak dan Bapak

Bapak

Mak

What a weekend!!!!! :=D))))

30th August 2012 - Akmal and I drove down to KL after school for the Merdeka break. I took another 2 days extra leave just to take a break after the hospitalisation and spend some time with my sons and family. It was a smooth journey with Akmal driving. I could not sleep although I was tired and fasting as Akmal was a rash driver and a risk taker. His driving stressed me out. We finally arrived at Wah's house at about 9:30pm after being caught in a jam after the Sungai Buloh R&R due to most roads being closed for the Merdeka rehearsal. We immediately went for dinner with Wah at Mesra Kelana. It was a weekend of binging and really eating!!!! It was serious food galore. It was a dinner of Singapore meehoon, sizzling egg tofu, kailan ikan masin, fried ginger chicken with kedondong with asam boi juice ( 2 glasses for me), Wah had ice barley and sour plum (2 glasses too) and Akmal had iced coffee. Hmmm...so fulfilling.

Friday started with nasi lemak at Restoran Utara at SS5. Lunch of apple juice, char kuey, sesame seed ball and chicken chop for Syafiq at Sogo food court. Then, we stopped at a roadside stall near SK Kelana Jaya and we had assam laksa (very nice), bubur pulut hitam, nasi lemak and packed goreng pisang + rojak for Akmal at home. After that it was siesta time. Dinner was at The Chicken Rice shop at Giant SS6. Akmal and Syafiq ate the rice and chicken, I ate all the vegetables and pie tee while Wah ate the curry laksa. I was so full! After that, we adjourned to McDonald's for strawberry sundae for Wah, chocolate sundae for Akmal, fries for Syafiq with a GCB for his supper. I honestly could not eat anymore.

The next day, Saturday, Wah and I went to Melaka for the weekend. Akmal had a mini gathering with his SDAR batch at Izzat's house at Cheras and Syafiq had an open house at his hostel. We reached Melaka about 9:00am and had fried mee, fried mee hoon, lontong, roti canai, kueh keria, kueh ku,, kueh lapis and abok-abok. When Kak Leha went for her khenduri, Wah ate her fish curry and bread. I was too full but I had some kueh ku. Later, we went to Toast and Toast kopitiam for coffee and I had toast with butter only. After that, when Kak Leha came back, we ate some rice with salted egg, vegetables, sambal kerang, chicken and ikan tenggiri masam. When we had finished eating, we were so full that it was siesta time :-) We then went to Kak Ti's house. Dinner was at London Seafood near Bachang. We did not have to go to London to eat dinner!

Sunday, 2nd September. Kak Leha fried mee and rice for breakfast. Abang Seman went to buy lontong and kueh. Wah made cekodok. I went to visit my parents' graves. As usual whenever I went back to Melaka, I did not do anything but just waited to be fed. :-)  We had coffee and tea. Kak Ti and family came for breakfast and so did Hamid. The others played with the grandchildren (Aina, Faqeh, Wafiq and Khalisya)  while I packed my bags and took a nap. Later, about 10:00am, Wah and I left for Kelana Jaya.

What a weekend of good food, love, pampering and just jalinan ukhuwah serta kasih sayang antara adik beradik. When it was time to go, Kak Ti hugged me from the back and commented how much smaller I had become. Kak Leha gave me a long and tight hug. Nothing much was discussed about my predicament but I knew from the hugs, they were worried of the outcome. I was unpredictable and in no mood to talk about it. Besides, what could I say when I myself did not know what to do? At least, for this weekend, I pushed everything away from my mind and just enjoyed basking in their love, support and pampering. Thank you, Allah, for giving me a family that I know will stand by me, accept me and love me...no matter what decision I will make for myself and my future. Alhamdulillah.