Alone or Solitude?

Alone  -  on your own. A person or thing that is separate from others. (Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary)

Lonely  -  alone and sad. (Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary)

Solitude  -  the state of being alone, especially when you find this pleasant

Solitary  -  doing things alone; without other people  (Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary)

Both meaning on your own. Whether you enjoy your own self or not. Some people cannot live without having someone with them for company. It is human's nature not to be alone and on its own. No man is an island. By nature, humans are sociable creatures. Some strife in the company of others while some others wilt and melt into the background.

It was an interesting article about alone or solitude. In a crowd of people, amidst the noise and festive atmosphere ... how alone a person feels when he is detached from his emotions. There are times when one just does not want to mingle or be sociable. There are also times when one needs to be in solitude to reflect on what one is feeling, experiencing or understanding.

That is why long, solitary walks are so much welcomed and embraced with an open mind, contentment and comfortable in the mind that one is not subjected to please a companion. Being in the company of oneself is therapeutic and healing. When one's mind is confused and there are so much regrets and unfulfilled wishes, broken promises, lost hopes ..... being one and alone is the best for healing.

Yet, being humans, one has to break from this solitary confinement and get into the act of living. One can be just a shadow of one's former self, yet one finds the strength, support and encouragement to just get up, brush off the cobwebs, dust off the hurts, bury the regrets and pick up the pieces. Once broken or cracked, it can be made whole but the scars and lines will always be there. So, just smile and hide all the pains and sorrows. Its a new day .... a new life ....  a new person ...

Alone but not lonely. Solitude yet the comfortable thought that one is never alone .... ;-]))

What are you good at ???

Hmmm .... another question that a curious office staff asked me. "Cikgu, what are you actually good at?"
"Cooking?"
 I answered in the negative. My cooking is so erratic. At times, it turns out okay but most of the time, it is just luck that it does not turn out differently. Mak never taught us how to cook and the older sisters just want us to be the helpers. I only know how to cook basic food such as fry eggs, vegetables, cook rice if there is rice cooker and fry noodles. That's it until I got married and have children.

"Sewing?"
 Nope. Usually Noor will handle the sewing machine. My mother used to say that if I touched the sewing machine, the needle would almost certainly be broken. I learned needlework in primary school where it was a compulsory lesson in Convent school.

"What about arranging furniture or decorating the house?"
Noor will do that. I am content to leave everything as it is. My mother in-law used to say that if she left something at one place, it would be there whenever she came back to visit years on. She knew it because when she came back to visit my third born, whatever she kept during Syafiq's birth (2 years ago) was exactly where she left it. Anybody can do anything to the house except my books and my working table. Even Noor knows the boundary of touching my books ....

"What about gardening?"
I am allergic to most plants. I have sensitive skin and allergic to most smell of pesticides or chemicals. When Zin came and treated the house for white ants, he told to go somewhere and came back hours later. I cannot even stand the smell of burning rubbish aka open burning or freshly cut grass. What more if it is cigarette .... lucky me that Noor does not smoke and none of the boys, too. If Zin and my brothers in-law who smoke came, they have the decency to smoke outside the house. Yet, I love flowers. One day when I retire, I want to have a small garden of my mother's favourite flowers ... roses.

Exasperated, she finally asked me - "So, what are you good at actually?"
Reading, I smiled at her. You can make me read anything even though it does not interest me. I will read it just to make sense of what is going on. Making scrap books. It used to be my favourite hobby. Letter writing. Now, blogging and sending nonsensical e-mails to disturb my old friend and others. I usually keep in touch with other friends. Doing anything for my sisters even though it is so unpractical. They laughed at me and shook their heads in disbelief.

Even my own mother did not trust me to take care of the baby. Noor usually bathed the baby when they were infants until I was strong enough to do it. I was more of a "tomboy" and Bapak's little girl.
Well, I manage to bring up 3 young men and take care of my husband. Over the years, I learn to cook. I know I can sew but it is just of my interest. I am not a good home maker and lucky for me, I have a partner who accepts me and my interests. He gives me space to do and pursue what I want. Alhamdulillah.

I know I am good at my job. I enjoy voluntary work. I love to make others happy. I oblige whatever requests I can fulfill. Thus, I guess I will just stick to what I do best - read. :-])))  oh yes, don't forget - people watching .....

Do you miss them ?

A very interesting question .... does it deserve a reply? Or shall we say that the question is so rhetorical that it does not even deserve an answer. What was the question about? A new staff and I were talking about children and she, who has two young kids, asked me if I missed mine. ..... ;-}}
Once someone also asked me another related question - "Why did you let them go?"

Three sons. Three different states. Three individuals with very different looks, identities and they bond not only as brothers but friends. I always try to be fair and love them equally,

Akmal, the first born, was a much awaited arrival for us. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and he became the first born. A very handsome baby with brownish, wavy hair and fair skin ... even the doctors proclaimed him as a handsome boy. Yet, look at him now - he's getting burnt with all the diving activities which is part of his job as a Research Assistant. He is doing his M(Sc) in Marine Science at UMS, Kota Kinabalu. Most of the time he is exasperating with his arguments and justifications that if you manage to win one discussion with him is quite a feat. Analytical, caring, obliging ..... patient and tolerant but with a temper quite unlike the mother. A risk taker which always worries me. Always trying to keep a brave front and a don't care attitude but deep down he is the most caring young man as his own friends had testified.

Syafiq. My second born who came a year later. I wanted a friend for Akmal. Where Akmal is so outgoing, Syafiq is more of an introvert and cautious of new people. His curiosity and inquisitiveness always land him in trouble or minor accidents. His shy demeanour can be so misleading .... he is the son who could so easily be mistaken for a Chinese boy. He takes time to warm up to people including his aunties and uncles. He is pampered but not spoilt. Always so considerate and thinking of others. Polite and tolerant. Giving. Always obliging. The most significant trait is how he always gets his way around those close to him to give him a treat that we nickname him "Chong" as he always manage to "pow" others including his father - which is a cap in his feather as that man is not easily conned into agreeing with anything. :-]))))

Ikram. Aloof, keeps to himself a lot, serious, wise and much matured than his second brother. He is 2 years younger than Syafiq. Even his paternal cousins do not dare to joke around with him. Yet, once he lets his guard down, he shows that he too, has a sense of humour. He has the patience and seldom loses his cool.He is cautious and always thinks before he acts. Quite cynical too. Quite vain and attractive with a charming smile. I have always enjoyed gallivanting and travelling with him. He is very patient with Syafiq and always gives in to whatever Syafiq wants. Yet, Syafiq, being a giving person, always gets his gadgets for him; whether he likes it or not .... ;-{{  He is also the one who will walk beside me instead of in front or behind me.

Akmal and Ikram went off to boarding school since Form One. I recalled the day I left each of them at age 12 on their own in the hands of the school far away from home ... I tried so hard to control my tears in front of them. I told myself that I had left them in a good place and left them in Allah's hands - I guess that was why they grew up very fast. Compared to Syafiq who stayed home with me as he did not want to stay at the hostel. He was in a Technical school near home and along my way to school, so I drove him to his school and picked him up after school regardless of his schedule or if I was on one of my exam panel duties.

Why did I let them go .... because they are not mine to hang on to. Children are gifts from Allah to be taken care of, to be responsible for and to let them go when He said it is time. I believe that the more you let them go, the more they will come back to you. No obligation. Just commitment that we belong to each other. Very far yet so near. Always close to my heart.

Yes, I miss them. I love them unconditionally although they can drive me up the wall with their questioning, justifying, disagreeing, indecisiveness, procrastination, arguing for arguments sake ..... we do a lot of things together when they are home - shopping, watching movies, trying out new eateries, just taking a walk, go out for a drink ....  they are not only my sons but also best friends ....