Will I Miss All These???

Screaming. Screeching. Yelling at the top of their voices. Running here and there. Up and down the stairs. Calling out from one building to another. Yelling at each other in the same class as though you do not exist. Running up and down the corridor like baby elephants as you can really hear the building trembling and shaking with their stomping feet. The young ones seem to run instead of walking. The older ones dawdle like ducks - taking their own sweet time to reach their destination. Talking at the top of their voices as if they are deaf. The frequent infightings. The class truants. The school chipsmore - morning you see him and after recess he is somewhere else. The school has about 9 blocks thus there are so many hideouts that students thought only they knew. Little do they realise that the discipline teachers do too. Hence, the running around to avoid being caught.

On the other hand, when I was invigilating the form Three's in the hall during their trial exam, another teacher approached me and talked to me. I was just smiling at her and taking a good, long look at the faces of 241 students. She asked me what I was thinking. I told her I had never thought of opting out until it was time. I loved teaching and I knew I was good at it. I looked at the faces of the future and felt compassion towards them. I had always liked it when they got their results and that they had done well despite the shortcomings of no tuition, lack of latest technology and facilities, no money to buy extra books or anything to their advantage as their counterparts in urban area did. They were not just students but my children for the year. To mold them, nurture and help them grow by pointing them in the direction of their choices. To guide them academically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. To love and care about them. The reason why I prefer the term "anak murid" instead of "pelajar" as anak means child. Mine for the year .... until I let them go to the next form or level .... Today is the last day in my series of talks on how to approach the question paper next week. I have done my best, given my best and shared everything I have. May they fully use the knowledge given. My last and final talk .....

Yet, I was opting out. Naturally she asked why? Sadly I answered that the passion was no longer there. I felt burnt out with the system, the injustice, the inconsistency of any decisions, the indecisiveness of any discussion, the indiscipline which was getting out of hand .... I just gave up. My heart was no longer in it. I thought about it for almost a year. I discussed with my sons and my sisters. I talked about it with Noor who supported whatever decision I made. He would be happy for me. He knew that I was unhappy with the system and my school. I have no problems with my colleagues or my administrators. They kept asking me to retract the approval letter. I am very sure of my decision and Allah has made everything so smooth for me.

Will I miss all these? Maybe. Yet I know if I have done my best for them, they will always remember me  .... I do not ask for anything in return. Neither gratification or appreciation. I know I have their respect. It is enough. I know I have touched thousands of young lives and I know somehow I have made a difference. I may not have done much but I have done everything I could with all my heart ...

A very meaningful poem from our Sasterawan Negara - Usman Awang

SAJAK “GURU O GURU” – USMAN AWANG (1979)

Berburu ke padang datar
Dapat rusa belang kaki
Berguru kepala ajar
Ibarat bunga kembang tak jadi

Dialah pemberi paling setia
Tiap akar ilmu miliknya
Pelita dan lampu segala
Untuk manusia sebelum jadi dewasa.

Dialah ibu dialah bapa juga sahabat
Alur kesetiaan mengalirkan nasihat
Pemimpin yang ditauliahkan segala umat
Seribu tahun katanya menjadi hikmat.

Jika hari ini seorang Perdana Menteri berkuasa
Jika hari ini seorang Raja menaiki takhta
Jika hari ini seorang Presiden sebuah negara
Jika hari ini seorang ulama yang mulia
Jika hari ini seorang peguam menang bicara
Jika hari ini seorang penulis terkemuka
Jika hari ini siapa sahaja menjadi dewasa;

Sejarahnya dimulakan oleh seorang guru biasa
Dengan lembut sabarnya mengajar tulis-baca.
Di mana-mana dia berdiri di muka muridnya
Di sebuah sekolah mewah di Ibu Kota
Di bangunan tua sekolah Hulu Terengganu
Dia adalah guru mewakili seribu buku;
Semakin terpencil duduknya di ceruk desa
Semakin bererti tugasnya kepada negara.

Jadilah apa pun pada akhir kehidupanmu, guruku
Budi yang diapungkan di dulangi ilmu
Panggilan keramat “cikgu” kekal terpahat
Menjadi kenangan ke akhir hayat.

I especially love the boldened stanza. What is anyone without a teacher in his life? Not just a professional teacher but everyone - mother, father, family, siblings, friends, foe or anyone or anything - which one encounters in his lifetime ....