Promise Me ...

When I met up with Rose last month she was talking about her mother. I supposed it was out of exasperation and she needed someone to talk to. The early signs were there. Dementia or senile would be the blame. I could empathise with her situation. Even Loh faced the same problem with her mother. The exasperation, desperation and hopelessness of the situation. She cared for her with as much patience, tolerance and love until her mother passed away.

I had gone through all that with my mother. Back in early 2000's, we were not very informed about this debilitating disease of the mind. We lose our patience. My siblings gave up. Once when one of them enquired why Mak had turned into this kind of person which was so alien to us - all I could say was to remember what she was before to us. Mak had become confused and muddled her memories of the present with the past. Most of them started to avoid going home as they wanted to retain whatever sanity they had among them. In the end, she moved in with my youngest, single brother who gave her freedom to do whatever she wanted to do. She was a very lonely mother - always waiting for her children to drop by for a visit. She was not able to comprehend that what she had talked about created rifts among her children. In the end, she passed away alone, sitting by the door ... always waiting and waiting. Sometimes I wished I knew what was going on in her mind.

We did not know she was facing this disease then. She had a case of swollen heart that saw her in and out of hospitals often. The doctor could not do much as she was very fragile and thin. Yet, she was able to handle herself physically without anybody's help. I tried to make my siblings understood her situation yet they were not receptive. I was the only daughter who lived far up north. Whenever I had the chance I always went home with the three young boys in tow. Whenever she felt so down, Izwan would call me and ask me to talk to her. I could always make her laugh. I was the last one to be with her before she passed away a couple of months later. I spent the night with her. Ikram and I slept together in the room with her. When I woke up early morning, she was awoke and kept looking at me. I told her to get some rest but instead she told me to go back to sleep. Thus, when Izwan called the others about her death, they called me for confirmation. She had forgotten yet I knew she could still remember.

Thus, when Loh talked about her late mother then all I could advise her was to make full use of this opportunity given. Strive for patience. Give her everything - time, love, indulgence, tolerance ... - even when she felt like giving up and screaming out of frustration. Same advice was given to Rose. Thus, when they have gone from us, there would be no regrets. Just fond memories. We would not remember the hardships and difficulties of looking after them and caring for them. We would have the mother we used to have, known and loved in our memories. What she once was before she started to forget.

I am starting to be forgetful. At times, I got mixed up with the information, names and faces. Due to genetics possibility, I was afraid I would, one day, end up with Alzheimer. My father and paternal grandmother suffered from stroke. I always asked my sons to be patient with me. Tolerate my idiosyncracies. If one day, they could not take care of me, they have been instructed to place me in a home. Under no obligation are they to commit themselves to take care of me. Thus, my prayers are the same as my mother's - "I pray that I will not be dependent on my children - physically, mentally, emotionally or financially." I always refer them to the advertisement where a father keeps asking his son the name of the bird repeatedly much to his son's annoyance. I can only hope and pray.

"The Notebook" written by Nicholas Sparks is a touching, loving dedication of a husband to his wife who ends up with Alzheimer. It is made into a motion picture. It is worth watching and reading. The notebook is written by the wife before she starts forgetting who she is, her husband and children. The husband and wife are put together in the nursing home and he reads to her the notebook every day even though she cannot remember anything at all. She does not even recognise him. She thinks he is a patient and her friend. Even when the children have given up on her, the husband is still dedicated to her until her death. Very touching and heart-rending.

Soul Mates

We are very lucky if we have that someone with whom we can be so comfortable and contented with. Someone who is regardless of age or gender, fulfills our selves. A soulmate.

Even though this special someone is only meant to stay in our hearts but not in our lives.

Take It Or Let It Go ....

I am still exploring the relationship issue. Fate. Coincidence. Sometimes out of the sheer hopelessness of the situation, all one can do is take a deep breath and chew on the quote above. "Que sera sera ... what will be, will be." Fate. Don't stress it. The week I was in KJ, there were a few discussion on "merisik, meminang, bertunang dan majlis perkahwinan" - the rigmarole of a cultural, traditional Malay wedding from my in-laws. I smiled and just listened in praying that everything will go well for them. Then, I reflect on my own sons .... whether I will have this opportunity to be part of this planning for them. I wish. I pray. I hope.

Besides these events last week, I also had a reflective contemplation of the what ifs' and I wish ... of a past relationship. How it might affect the present one. Whether to let go or to hang on and let it just be. Maybe whatever happened was a sign to slowly ease off and let the memories remain.

What if one is given a second chance? Would one take it? If one person answers in the affirmative while the other pauses and answers in the negative .... would there be more regrets and "what ifs' " ???

Should one then say - I wish I can turn back time - .... wishes do come true. Prayers are answered. Hopes do get fulfilled. But I believe only for the chosen and very special ones who really deserve them. For whatever circumstances. Thus, one can only smile and be happy in its own way. Appreciate what is. Contemplate on what was. Hope for what will be.

Actually, the quotes above are compiled because I love them and the way they seem to link to one another. The writings are just my reflection of them and maybe based on some experiences that I have gone through. Anyway, the quotes are contemplative in nature. Just read them and ponder on them when you have some quiet time of your own. Should one grab the second chance or smile and gently let it go .... ;-)) .....

A Heartfelt Musing ......

Do you ever wish it? Especially when you parted ways not due to an argument or misunderstanding but due to unforeseen circumstances? An incomplete puzzle to all the questions that kept spinning in your head? Or a discontent to the whys? A dissatisfaction to the what ifs?

Yet, when one meets up again after umpteen years, would not both of you have changed? Physically, emotionally, mentally .... feelings? Would the old feelings remain? What if the two of you have already have new partners? What is the point of the meeting of the person who once holds your heart when you know that nothing will come out of it? Is it worth it?

Do we really understand? When we really meet that same person - either fate or coincidence - especially when it evokes all the buried feelings and emotions, do we really understand the reason why?  Especially when each of us have a complete, stable and loving family - is it worth the risk of getting "involve" all over again? Even though most of the questions are answered, puzzles fall into place, the whys are explained .... do not we, as mere mortals, question the reasons behind the meeting? As the saying goes - be careful what you wish for .....

That is fate. What is written in the stars. Thus, do you believe in fate? Or is it just a coincidence? We believe that everything happens is as what has been decreed by the Almighty. Whatever we do, if it is meant to be, it WILL be. Hence, if we meet up then it is fated that we meet. But all the side effects - the old feelings and emotions - do that come with the package as well? Or is it a test to upset our already stable and secure life?

Thus, can we agree with the quote above? I personally think it is too good to be true. As mere humans, we will not upset the balance of the life we have created when we part ways. Yet, there are others who will seize the second chance thrown at them. Let caution goes to the wind .... do we dare? There is a saying that "some people are meant to be in our hearts but not in our lives ..."  

I wholeheartedly believe the quote above. At the end of the day, the question is if that person is really meant to be in your life? Or just in your heart? Only you have the answer. Fate or coincidence?  :-))

Fate or Coincidence ?

 Loh was doing her morning walk at the public park where I usually did mine. She was thinking about me. I turned up around the corner and all she could do was called out my name. She was pleasantly surprised that just as she was thinking about me, I turned up. She thanked God for granting her simple wish. She did not usually did her walk in the morning being a late riser. Yet that morning she wanted to. She met Silvan, a mutual friend, who told her that he met me doing my walk in the morning. She was very happy. Fate or coincidence?

I was driving down to KJ with Ikram. Kak Haj said she was not going to follow me this time around due to prior commitments. As we were driving along the highway, she called saying that she was in Kulim and whether I was going down to KJ the next day. I told her I was already on the highway approaching Bertam. She changed her mind and wanted to come along but could not decide as she did not plan to leave that day itself. I told her I would miss the Kulim exit but she said to take the Serdang/Bandar Baru exit. Thus, after we stopped for breakfast at Juru  R&R, Ikram and I decided to drop by Kulim and picked her up. It was an hour's out of our way. Coincidentally she was in Kulim instead of Cameron Highlands visiting her son. Coincidentally she called me before we were out of Penang. Coincidentally she called on that day. Fate or coincidence?

Noor's mother decided to hold a thanksgiving during one weekend last month. Noor had something o settle for his mother the next week. Then, without any prior arrangement or discussion, Wah called and asked if she could take a lift to Melaka and would I send her back on Sunday? Of course I agreed willingly. Noor could not understand why would I take the trouble to send her to KJ and back to Melaka the next day. Couldn't she just take the bus back on Sunday or extend her leave to Tuesday as we would be leaving Melaka on that day? All I could say was she's my sister and besides, I did not have much to do anyway. At least I had something to occupy my time while he was busy with his own agenda. Ikram was also free that weekend so he accompanied me up and down KL. Fate or coincidence?

 I am sure we have so many incidents that happen without our conscious planning or thinking about it. Fate or coincidence? Have we ever stopped to think about it?


 To quote an uztaz - "Tiada kebetulan dalam kehidupan
                                 Segala-galanya adalah ketentuan Allah."
(There are no coincidences in life. Everything has been fated and determined by God.)