The Notebook - Nicholas Sparks

It is such a beautiful touching book. Written in simple, conversational dialogue right from the heart. It touches my heart and soul. I read it and I felt for Allie and Noah. It crossed my mind of my complicated situation - "What if ...?" 

Do such deep, undying love still exist? Allie and Noah fell deeply in love one summer. She was 15 years old and Noah was seventeen. They were separated due to status in the society. Over the years, what she did not know was Noah wrote to her letters every day for a year. When she never replied, Noah wrote one last letter professing his deep love for her. Allie, on the other hand, thought that Noah was just playing with her emotions and made used of her. The letters were taken and hidden by her mother. She waited for almost 14 years before decided to accept a marriage proposal. The war separated them with Noah enlisted in action and Allie volunteered as a nurse at a war camp. When Allie saw an article on Noah's house, she decided to return and close this chapter of her life before she got married in 3 weeks time. Noah never got married. 

When they finally met up, all they discovered was the reality that they had never stopped loving each other. Her fiancee came to confront her and she had to make a choice. Choosing Noah would hurt and embarrassed her family, society and status as she was from the higher caste. She would be giving up living the luxury life she was used to, her status in her society confirmed with the marriage to an old family and her family would be a notch higher in the caste system of the south. She would be safe but dull, boring and half alive. Choosing her fiancee meant she would be giving up her love and her dreams. Noah made her feel alive, excited, comfortable, content and her dreams to be a painter supported and encouraged. 

Her mother came and gave her all the letters that Noah had written. She chose to read the last letter. Her mother gave her parting words - "Follow your heart."  She thought she heard wrong because her mother was the one who was really status-conscious. Allie finally chose Noah and gave up everything. They led a happy, beautiful life of for 45 years. Until she was diagnosed with the early stages of Alzheimer's.

Thus, began the notebook. They wrote about their feelings, what they had gone through together, their love, their children .... all their lives ... before she started to forget. Allie booked them into a Home together. Noah was also starting to have acute athritis and rheumatoid of the fingers. He was also suffering from cancer. When she started to become worse with the disease and her memory no longer served her, Noah began reading to her the notebook everyday. He spent all his time with her and only went back to his room at night. She thrived and sometimes remembered. The Home loved their love story. When doctors were baffled by her stable condition, the nurses believed that their love sustained her. For two years he read to her about their life although she did not even know who he was. Yet they were compatible and content in each other's company.

Finally, when Noah had a stroke and was hospitalised, he fought back the pain by keeping the memory of Allie to pull him back so that he could still be by Allie's side and reading their live's story to her. One night, he sneaked into Allie's room, sat by the bed and held her hand. Noah also hoped that he would be the last to go so that Allie would not be alone .... they died still holding hands ...

I had a good cry and felt warm inside. What if at that time of my life .... if I had confronted "him" when he was engaged to be married, would he had chosen Allie's path? Did "he" love me enough to throw everything away? It was an arranged marriage. Disregarding it would be a shame on his family and his fiancee. No, I don't think "he" would do that. Responsibility and commitment constraint one's choices in life. It was just meant to be ... life has already been dictated by Allah.

Wouldn't it be so sweet if we had a love that could sustain us physically, emotionally and mentally? A love where we could not bear even the thought of being apart? A love sustained and gained over the years? A love where both understood each other that no words were needed? 

Yet, in this world and society of ours, we accept. We lived and made the best of the situation. We love our partners as they have gone through a lot with us. Love NOT in love. Hence, the emptiness is there. The loneliness is there. The acceptance makes life bearable. At the end of the day, we realise that some people are meant to live in our hearts but not in our lives .....

Another year older ... :-}}

Contentment. Kindness. Acceptance. Grateful. Letting go. Bidding farewell. Most of all feeling blessed. That is what I am feeling at this moment of my life. Blessed by the Almighty Allah. Blessed with so much abundance and love. Shielded from hate and envy. Consideration and compassion. Empathy and sympathy.

On this birth day, where actually our lives are shortened and not prolonged, I am counting my blessings and grateful for every little things that cross my path of living. For every thing which makes my life easier. For every thoughtfulness and kindness bestowed upon me and my family. For every trials and tests faced with given patience and strength. For every love that can be felt but not touched. For every tear that is kissed away. For every hug that comforts. For every meeting that binds the relationship and friendship. For every farewell that promises of future meet ups. For every pain that soothes the soul. For every breath that is given daily. For a good night's sleep. For every thing that I do that helps others. "Which of the favours you deny Allah?" (Surah ar-Rahman)

I hope in the course of this year, I have done my bit of spreading and giving kindness to every single creature of Allah's creation whether big or small. Whether human or otherwise. I have become more patient. I hope I have become more giving. I hope to be a much a better person than I am today. InsyaAllah. I hold on to this adage - "If I am able to make another's life easier, why wouldn't I?"  Even if it is only through my smile, gestures or actions.

So, this birthday is a day of being kind. being grateful and feeling blessed. Alhamdulillah. I guess being in such a melancholic and nostalgic mood is due to the rain. I love the rain .... :-))  Thus, hoping today is a blessed and meaningful day ....

Finally, at the end of the day, I hope I have done what should be done ... I have not hurt others intentionally or otherwise .... I have done what good unto others as I would like others do good unto me ... I have apologised for all the wrongs that I cannot make right ... I have fulfilled promises made ... I have loved those who loved me .... I have not hated anyone with such resentment .... I hope I have been a good servant, a follower, wife, mother, sister, friend, colleague, staff, acquaintance and stranger..... :-))

"Oh. It's November."

I love this picture. Especially the caption. "Oh." It comes with a full stop. Not a comma as the usual punctuation used after an expression. Not even an exclamation mark. Or a question mark. But a full stop. A definition. A finality. A quiet surprise. Not a happy surprise. Not a shocking surprise. Not even an unpleasant one. Just an accepting, awakening expression. "It's November."

My month to reflect and look back at the past ten months of 2014. Perhaps with a lot of smiles. Maybe a few tears and sorrow. Could be with a tinge of regret. Or frustrations. Desperation. Hopes. Dreams. ..... I have another 11 days to do some soul-searching and deep reflection of myself. My life. My hopes. My dreams. My wishes for the next year .... if I am given another year.

So, it is November.... after the grouses, moans, groans, despair .... albeit the tears and sorrow ... interspersed with smiles, laughter, jokes and grins .... let us pray and hope Allah will grace me with a much relaxed count down to my "day" .... ;-)) 

Thus, November, I welcome you with an open heart, mind, soul and outstretched hands ...  ;-))

Loneliness- It's All About The Mind ;-))

Noor left for Africa last week. It was a hectic month preparing for his departure. His DM just called one day i.e. a month ago and told him to be prepared to leave for SIngapore a few days later for a briefing from their franchising office there. It was going to be a day trip. Since it was a Friday, I tagged along and sent him off to the KLIA2. Later that evening, I went back to KLIA2 to pick him up and proceeded to Melaka to send Ikram back to his campus. After that, it was a nerve-wrecking experience of looking for the yellow fever vaccine as it was one of the conditions for the visa to be approved. After asking the doctors here, we contacted WIsma Putra who helped us with information on the availability of the vaccine. The vaccine was not given easily. Hospital Pantai KL was the only one who had the vaccine in its stock. Other Government hospitals that kept it were only for Government personnels departing for Africa or South America. The hospital required Noor's appointment letter before releasing the vaccine. It cost RM422 just for one shot. :-}} He wanted me to go with him everywhere he went even to his office.  :-))  As Syafiq's favourite life principle - "Sharing is Caring"  ha...ha...ha.... :-D 

That left the shop's daily administration. I told him that would not be a problem since he had one reliable staff. Syafiq would be on semester break for a month in October. Akmal volunteered to take leave for two weeks in November. In between that, I was sure the staff and I could cope somehow. I had never been involved in the running of the shop .... :-)) Thus, it was arranged that he did not take anybody to monitor the shop. The boys were trained to help out at the shop since their teens. So, it was not a problem for them.

So, finally after receiving the travelling itinerary, he was really going. Noor was actually excited, nervous, afraid and a mixed feeling of leaving. I had done my best as a wife, partner and friend. Besides giving him support, encouragement and accompanying him almost everywhere to settle his leaving .... I expected nothing from him. He had never been out of the country for a long stretch of time either for leisure or professional reasons. We could keep in touch via messenger or e-mail.
I had done and given my best. My prayers go to him daily for his well-being and being in Allah's grace.

And the person to be alone with is ... ME !!!! :-))

"Everybody needs a little time away ..."

What A Break !!!!

Last September mid-term break I decided to give myself a much deserved treat. I wanted to give time to ME. I wanted to be selfish for myself. I refused to do anything. Any house chores. Any school work. It was only a week's break anyway. The week before I was busy following Noor to KL and back to send him off to SIngapore for his briefing and sending Ikram back to his campus. Thus, without any feelings of guilt, I declared myself on holiday!! Ha..Ha..Ha.. :-))  Anyway, there was only the two of us.

I told Noor I am not going to do any cooking. Or marketing. I would meet him at the shop about 6pm and we would go and have an early dinner. Sometimes, I am amazed with this man. He agreed and let me do what I wanted. I made caramel pudding without eggs. I made almond rocher. I fried keropok. I bought fruits. These were the snacks that I had during my self-declared stayed home holiday. 

I chose some of the books I had bought but had no time to read. I woke up for early dawn prayers and went back to sleep. I woke up late and went out with Noor for brunch. Then, I went home, snuggled on the couch with a book and read until I slumbered off dreaming of whatever I was reading. I woke up and had a snack of whatever was in the fridge. It was raining practically every evening that I took myself out to the porch and sat there with a cup of steaming hot tea and the container of keropok. I breathed in the cool, refreshing air, munched the keropok and continued with my reading. I read a heavy novel "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hoessini. I managed to read a light story "If only Airports Could Talk". After night prayers, I usually curled up in my bed with another book and turned on "Lite FM". I was on my own. Alone most of the time as Noor only came home after 11pm. Yet, I always had company in the books, the music, my prayers, my Quran ... 

I was alone but never lonely. It was only a 5 day break as we had to go to KL again to settle his vaccination and application for visa. Yet .... it was the ideal holiday that I had always wanted. Nevertheless, it would be much pleasurable if it was a beach resort, somebody to feed me .... hmmm...too good to be true. Maybe one day .... anyway, it was a blissful holiday !!!!