Will I Miss All These???

Screaming. Screeching. Yelling at the top of their voices. Running here and there. Up and down the stairs. Calling out from one building to another. Yelling at each other in the same class as though you do not exist. Running up and down the corridor like baby elephants as you can really hear the building trembling and shaking with their stomping feet. The young ones seem to run instead of walking. The older ones dawdle like ducks - taking their own sweet time to reach their destination. Talking at the top of their voices as if they are deaf. The frequent infightings. The class truants. The school chipsmore - morning you see him and after recess he is somewhere else. The school has about 9 blocks thus there are so many hideouts that students thought only they knew. Little do they realise that the discipline teachers do too. Hence, the running around to avoid being caught.

On the other hand, when I was invigilating the form Three's in the hall during their trial exam, another teacher approached me and talked to me. I was just smiling at her and taking a good, long look at the faces of 241 students. She asked me what I was thinking. I told her I had never thought of opting out until it was time. I loved teaching and I knew I was good at it. I looked at the faces of the future and felt compassion towards them. I had always liked it when they got their results and that they had done well despite the shortcomings of no tuition, lack of latest technology and facilities, no money to buy extra books or anything to their advantage as their counterparts in urban area did. They were not just students but my children for the year. To mold them, nurture and help them grow by pointing them in the direction of their choices. To guide them academically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. To love and care about them. The reason why I prefer the term "anak murid" instead of "pelajar" as anak means child. Mine for the year .... until I let them go to the next form or level .... Today is the last day in my series of talks on how to approach the question paper next week. I have done my best, given my best and shared everything I have. May they fully use the knowledge given. My last and final talk .....

Yet, I was opting out. Naturally she asked why? Sadly I answered that the passion was no longer there. I felt burnt out with the system, the injustice, the inconsistency of any decisions, the indecisiveness of any discussion, the indiscipline which was getting out of hand .... I just gave up. My heart was no longer in it. I thought about it for almost a year. I discussed with my sons and my sisters. I talked about it with Noor who supported whatever decision I made. He would be happy for me. He knew that I was unhappy with the system and my school. I have no problems with my colleagues or my administrators. They kept asking me to retract the approval letter. I am very sure of my decision and Allah has made everything so smooth for me.

Will I miss all these? Maybe. Yet I know if I have done my best for them, they will always remember me  .... I do not ask for anything in return. Neither gratification or appreciation. I know I have their respect. It is enough. I know I have touched thousands of young lives and I know somehow I have made a difference. I may not have done much but I have done everything I could with all my heart ...

A very meaningful poem from our Sasterawan Negara - Usman Awang

SAJAK “GURU O GURU” – USMAN AWANG (1979)

Berburu ke padang datar
Dapat rusa belang kaki
Berguru kepala ajar
Ibarat bunga kembang tak jadi

Dialah pemberi paling setia
Tiap akar ilmu miliknya
Pelita dan lampu segala
Untuk manusia sebelum jadi dewasa.

Dialah ibu dialah bapa juga sahabat
Alur kesetiaan mengalirkan nasihat
Pemimpin yang ditauliahkan segala umat
Seribu tahun katanya menjadi hikmat.

Jika hari ini seorang Perdana Menteri berkuasa
Jika hari ini seorang Raja menaiki takhta
Jika hari ini seorang Presiden sebuah negara
Jika hari ini seorang ulama yang mulia
Jika hari ini seorang peguam menang bicara
Jika hari ini seorang penulis terkemuka
Jika hari ini siapa sahaja menjadi dewasa;

Sejarahnya dimulakan oleh seorang guru biasa
Dengan lembut sabarnya mengajar tulis-baca.
Di mana-mana dia berdiri di muka muridnya
Di sebuah sekolah mewah di Ibu Kota
Di bangunan tua sekolah Hulu Terengganu
Dia adalah guru mewakili seribu buku;
Semakin terpencil duduknya di ceruk desa
Semakin bererti tugasnya kepada negara.

Jadilah apa pun pada akhir kehidupanmu, guruku
Budi yang diapungkan di dulangi ilmu
Panggilan keramat “cikgu” kekal terpahat
Menjadi kenangan ke akhir hayat.

I especially love the boldened stanza. What is anyone without a teacher in his life? Not just a professional teacher but everyone - mother, father, family, siblings, friends, foe or anyone or anything - which one encounters in his lifetime ....

Heart And Soul - Maeve Binchy

I was first introduced to Maeve Binchy books when I read "Circle of Friends" and "Tara Road"which I borrowed from the public library years ago. It was a very comforting read. Her easy, conversational style of writing always gives you a warm, satisfying feeling especially when you are so stressed out with whatever is bothering you in reality.

"Heart and Soul" was another such read. A lovely, feel good book, would be my judgment. A happy read as I was stressed with all the intensive and focussed revision for the PT3 exam. As the school had arranged a flexi time-table which started from 7:40am to 3:00pm everyday after the Hari Raya Haji break, the teachers and students were quite stretched out. My schedule was set on Mondays and Wednesdays. Thus, on other days it was relief duty or being in the hall minding the students at the back so that they paid attention and maintaining the discipline. After getting most of my work done, I was quite free. I chose this book from my collection of yet to be read books. Something light, easy, comforting, gentle and relaxing. It is also humorous and I have fun laughing and enjoying the well-written book.

The story is of family, friends, patients and others who work at a heart clinic. It is modern yet conventional. Uptown yet still developing Dublin. Sophisticated yet wholesome. Exasperating yet motivational. The heart clinic community are intertwined and inter-related with each other. It is actually idealistic and almost perfect. It is also a love story of sorts where broken hearts meet someone new. Opposites do attract and one does not settle for being comfortable without the "zing zing" in the matters of the heart. Why settle for someone mediocre just to feel safe and not lonely? What is life without passion and excitement? What is life together without love?

The affairs of Declan, the young plain-looking inferior doctor with the outgoing, extrovert, easy-going Fiona who is actually very hurt and afraid to love and commit again to another man. The plotting of Clara (the cardiologist who heads this community) with Hilary (the administrator) to match up their children. Clara with the hospital administrator, Frank. Finally, a match for her intelligence and personality. Barbara with David, both friends of Fiona. Ania, a Polish immigrant with Carl, the son of a pleasant, wealthy father and an arrogant, high-class mother. It is all well-written and woven with such a pleasant feel to it. When I read it, I am also involved with everybody and wish them well. That things have a way of working out by themselves, God willing.

The characters are like any normal, working people eking out a living. Each has a life of insecurity, love, disdain, arrogance, humility, tolerance, hurts, resentment, regrets, sense of hopelessness ... where one has family problems with children who always claim that parents do not understand them. Where parents just have to accept that their children do not epitomise their own ideals and hopes. The modern generation vs the older generation.

I am not doing a review. My sons asked me why do I read and write about it? Like doing an assignment. I read and analyse it because I have enjoyed it. Besides, I do not want my brains and mind to become redundant and just read for reading sake. I may not have someone to thrash it out like when I was in university so ... I write about it. So that if someone who visits my page or page reviewer reads about it, might be tempted to pick up the book and also enjoy it. I write it from my point of view. It is not academic nor heavily analysed. Just writing from the heart ... :-0))

My final comment - You feel sad when you have completed the book. It's time to say goodbye and hope things work out for everybody.

Why Do You Write?

For as long as I remember, I have always written. When I was old enough to get a diary courtesy of my working siblings and father, I had always written. Scribbled anything that caught my attention. We were always encouraged to write letters and postcards to friends and siblings. Compared to the others, I was always a regular letter-writer. When Kak Ti was in England to pursue a 2 year course back in the 70's, I was the regular writer sending news of home. I became Bapak's secretary to write letters to all his children. They were everywhere either studying or working. Until we got a phone. Still I continued writing to Sue who was then in Australia and Adik in USA to further their studies, and Hana who was then attached to Malaysian Embassy in Tokyo.

I also had a few pen-pals from all over Malaysia and overseas. Bapak would give extra pocket money for my stamps, aerogrammes, envelopes and writing pads. When I was in college and away from home for the first time in my life, I wrote a lot to friends and family. Letters were very important to me. They were my link to home and familiarity. To security and love. To a sense of belonging in a world that was new, lonely and unfriendly. They filled a void that only words could. They touched my soul and refreshed it. They gave me hope and encouragement.

Writing was to me .... my silent thoughts. My secret hopes and yearnings. My undisclosed longings. My unfulfilled desires. My love. My hatred. My likes. My dislikes. I used to write my pent up emotions and feelings in my diaries. I had a diary every year and I took them with me everywhere I went. They were my private thoughts. I remembered a diary where I wrote and documented my first pregnancy until I had a miscarriage. It was a painful, lonely and grieving period. After losing my father and old friend, I thought I was immune to such loss. Being alone in KL and recuperating on my own as Noor was in Alor Setar, made me a recluse. Until I finally picked up the pieces and went on with my life alone. Keeping myself busy with my work and activities.

When I moved to Alor Setar as my transfer was finally approved at the end of that year, I stopped writing my diaries. I burned all my diaries and had a funeral for them. My collection of short stories was also sacrificed. I did not want anybody to read about my life. Thus, I stopped writing formally until I discovered blogging.

Blogging was like a breath of life in my craving for letting out myself. Since I hardly talk about my problems, troubles, sadness, happiness .... anything .... I started blogging. Besides, my mother was afflicted with Alzheimer .... thus, I started writing again by recollecting my past memories. Before I forget them. Linking my past with my present. Appreciating what I  have now compare to what I had then.

I wrote about my parents, incidents, friends, events .... family. Since I love people-watching, I wrote about what I see, feel, like and anything that touches me. I have always enjoyed writing. It is like an outlet for me. Although I discover that as I age I am more diplomatic in my writing so that no one is offended. I write with my whole heart and soul .... as of everything I do in my life.

Why do I write? To chronicle whatever is happening at that moment of time. For my sons to read and know their mother. For an old friend to keep in touch with my life here. Yet, although my blog is not known to my family or Noor, I have more than 22,000 readers. One day ....

 

Malaysia Day - My Final Celebration

15th September 2015. A very wet Tuesday. It was still hazy but the situation had improved considerably since last month. Now it was the southern states that were badly affected. It was a day of celebration for the closing ceremony of the 58th Merdeka Day celebration and Malaysia Day the next day. It was a mixture of fun, gaiety, sadness and a sense that it would be my final stint of joining in this celebration. I sang with gusto the usual Merdeka songs especially "Warisan" by Sudirman. I sang together backstage with the performers' choice of Merdeka oldies. I did not realise that the school photographers caught my happy, carefree self singing those songs. I just laughed at them. I was not an easy target for photographers. In fact, over the years, most of the yearly school magazines had very minimal photos of me in it. Oh well ... this was my last year. :-))

It was supposed to start off with a parade of the uniform bodies in their full regalia and followed by the decorated motorcade. The heavy rain dampened that plan. So, everybody gathered in the hall and watched the performances, the choral speaking finalists, speech by the Principal and a special and surprise performance by a group of boys - Bar-Rism. A new fad in town - street workout calisthenics. I was very proud of these young guys who requested to perform as they were not in the itinerary. They wanted to promote this form of work out which worked on team-work, strategy, agility and trust. For our students, this was an achievement in itself.

We had a cake cutting ceremony celebrating those students and staff born on 31 August and 16 September. The usual paraphernalia to celebrate was there - the balloons, the colourful, sparkling confetti, birthday song and blowing party horns. We finally sang the Merdeka theme song -"Sehati Sejiwa" and walked out of the hall with the strains of "Warisan" accompanying the exit. What dampened the day was the back to their lessons that followed after it ....hahaha ... back to reality ... I really felt that it should be a whole day celebration just to get into the mood. But ... exams are just around the corner. The school, teachers and students are already under pressure and stressed for time ...

It was a good celebration. I had always loved celebrating my country's any festival or special days. This would be my last time singing all the patriotic songs publicly with the students. After this ... I guess I would just be glued to the television and celebrate with it ..... ;-))

The students sat in their respective uniform bodies wearing their T-shirts

The finale .... a hall of students singing the theme song "Sehati Sejiwa"

When Words Are Not Enough ....

Ever heard of the phrase "voices in your head"? When there is so much to say but you just cannot find the words? You feel that no explanation fits whatever you are feeling or going through? How do you explain the reasons why you feel so right when it is so wrong? Thus, you keep quiet and keep listening to the voices in your head .... or heart ....

"What do you see in me?" "Why me out of all the many girls that you met in your life?" "What is so special about me that you just cannot let me go?"

We  have all gone through the experiences, heartaches, happiness, emotionally scarred, physically painful, spiritually broken, deceits and lies, broken promises, hopes and wishes .... all these have shaped us and changed our perspectives on life, expectations and dreams. Where we were once so naive, so enthusiastic, full of optimism, full of expectations, full of life, vigour and vitality  .... where have all that gone to? We are what we are now. No longer the person we once knew and had known. The years of separation do nothing to separate us yet we are so different now. The simplicity of getting back together, the ease of spending time talking and rehashing the past, the easy comfort of being in each other's company ....  I guess is due to the fact that we have no expectations of each other anymore.

Sometimes when what you are going through feels so overwhelming that in the silence of the night, being alone with your thoughts and Creator .... you ask questions that you have no answers. At the end of the day all you can do is take a deep breath and just do whatever feels the right thing to be done.

Although it takes so long to fall into place and understanding all that you have gone through ... at least you have made peace with yourself and him. Although there are regrets and wishing that if only you can turn back time  .....

Finally, it is how you make the best of the situation. Whoever we are with right now is meant for us and is the best for us as he/she is chosen by Allah for us. Yet, only He knows what and who is in our hearts. "If you cannot have the one you love, love the one you have..."