29 Ramadhan 1432H

It's still raining....;-(  It doesn't seem to stop. You know the kind of rain like someone is grieving. A sad kind of rain where the tears just roll down and intermittently but non-stopping? It's noon. I am waiting for my rendang to be cooked. I haven't packed my bags yet. I'm just so tired. I am so lazy to go back for Raya. Every year it's like this. A kind of heavy, unsettled, dissatisfied kind of feeling. For so many years Raya has lost its meaning and significance. I love Ramadhan. I just wish that I can look forward to Raya as I do Ramadhan.

This year I break tradition and cooked beef rendang instead of the usual chicken rendang

Maybe it's the rain. It's already a week. I feel depressed and out of the weather. I just need a complete rest. I don't think I'll have that pleasure or luxury. Hari Raya with Noor is tiring. Half the kampung are his relatives.My laundry is not done. Ikram's clothes have to be washed in Melaka/KL if the weather permits. Otherwise, send to the laundry to get it done before he returns to school on Sunday. Zin has agreed to accompany me to go back to Alor Setar since Noor is returning first. I have to send the boys to their respective places. Akmal will go on his own on Monday to the airport and off to Sabah.

This year's Ramadhan is very challenging. I had to practice patience. Tolerance. Acceptance. Redha. Sometimes I question why but just as quickly I was reprimanded by myself - who am I to question what Allah has bestowed upon me? Remember :-
Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagi mu, dan boleh jadi kamu meyukai sesuatu, pada hal ia amat buruk bagi mu. Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui." (Al-Baqarah : 216)

Selamat tinggal Ramadhan. Bulan yang menyimpan seribu rahmat dan keampunan. Kedatangan yang hanya datang setahun sekali. Terlalu banyak dugaan yang Allah uji tahun ini. Kesabaran. Kekuatan. Keimanan. Kesetiaan. Kelaziman. Adakah saya telah menjadi lebih baik? Seburuk-buruk manusia ialah yang apabila Ramadhan ini berlalu, dia adalah sama sahaja sebelumnya. Adakah saya seperti itu? Apakah saya telah melakukan yang terbaik dengan kekuatan dan kesabaran yang telah diberikan? Atau saya hanya mensia-siakan sahaja peluang kerahmatan, keampunan dan kebebasan daripada api neraka ini? Ya Allah, saya terlalu lemah untuk mengahadapi segala ketentuan Mu. Bimbinglah, Pimpinlah hambaMu ini. Temukan diri ku dengan orang yang dapat membimbing ku mendekati Mu dengan lebih baik. Tetapkan hati dan iman ku. Redhailah diriku sebagai hambaMu. Terimalah segala amalan, ibadat, solat dan puasa ku supaya diri ku ada bekalan bila bertemu dengan Mu nanti. InsyaAllah.