Why Do You Write?

For as long as I remember, I have always written. When I was old enough to get a diary courtesy of my working siblings and father, I had always written. Scribbled anything that caught my attention. We were always encouraged to write letters and postcards to friends and siblings. Compared to the others, I was always a regular letter-writer. When Kak Ti was in England to pursue a 2 year course back in the 70's, I was the regular writer sending news of home. I became Bapak's secretary to write letters to all his children. They were everywhere either studying or working. Until we got a phone. Still I continued writing to Sue who was then in Australia and Adik in USA to further their studies, and Hana who was then attached to Malaysian Embassy in Tokyo.

I also had a few pen-pals from all over Malaysia and overseas. Bapak would give extra pocket money for my stamps, aerogrammes, envelopes and writing pads. When I was in college and away from home for the first time in my life, I wrote a lot to friends and family. Letters were very important to me. They were my link to home and familiarity. To security and love. To a sense of belonging in a world that was new, lonely and unfriendly. They filled a void that only words could. They touched my soul and refreshed it. They gave me hope and encouragement.

Writing was to me .... my silent thoughts. My secret hopes and yearnings. My undisclosed longings. My unfulfilled desires. My love. My hatred. My likes. My dislikes. I used to write my pent up emotions and feelings in my diaries. I had a diary every year and I took them with me everywhere I went. They were my private thoughts. I remembered a diary where I wrote and documented my first pregnancy until I had a miscarriage. It was a painful, lonely and grieving period. After losing my father and old friend, I thought I was immune to such loss. Being alone in KL and recuperating on my own as Noor was in Alor Setar, made me a recluse. Until I finally picked up the pieces and went on with my life alone. Keeping myself busy with my work and activities.

When I moved to Alor Setar as my transfer was finally approved at the end of that year, I stopped writing my diaries. I burned all my diaries and had a funeral for them. My collection of short stories was also sacrificed. I did not want anybody to read about my life. Thus, I stopped writing formally until I discovered blogging.

Blogging was like a breath of life in my craving for letting out myself. Since I hardly talk about my problems, troubles, sadness, happiness .... anything .... I started blogging. Besides, my mother was afflicted with Alzheimer .... thus, I started writing again by recollecting my past memories. Before I forget them. Linking my past with my present. Appreciating what I  have now compare to what I had then.

I wrote about my parents, incidents, friends, events .... family. Since I love people-watching, I wrote about what I see, feel, like and anything that touches me. I have always enjoyed writing. It is like an outlet for me. Although I discover that as I age I am more diplomatic in my writing so that no one is offended. I write with my whole heart and soul .... as of everything I do in my life.

Why do I write? To chronicle whatever is happening at that moment of time. For my sons to read and know their mother. For an old friend to keep in touch with my life here. Yet, although my blog is not known to my family or Noor, I have more than 22,000 readers. One day ....

 

Malaysia Day - My Final Celebration

15th September 2015. A very wet Tuesday. It was still hazy but the situation had improved considerably since last month. Now it was the southern states that were badly affected. It was a day of celebration for the closing ceremony of the 58th Merdeka Day celebration and Malaysia Day the next day. It was a mixture of fun, gaiety, sadness and a sense that it would be my final stint of joining in this celebration. I sang with gusto the usual Merdeka songs especially "Warisan" by Sudirman. I sang together backstage with the performers' choice of Merdeka oldies. I did not realise that the school photographers caught my happy, carefree self singing those songs. I just laughed at them. I was not an easy target for photographers. In fact, over the years, most of the yearly school magazines had very minimal photos of me in it. Oh well ... this was my last year. :-))

It was supposed to start off with a parade of the uniform bodies in their full regalia and followed by the decorated motorcade. The heavy rain dampened that plan. So, everybody gathered in the hall and watched the performances, the choral speaking finalists, speech by the Principal and a special and surprise performance by a group of boys - Bar-Rism. A new fad in town - street workout calisthenics. I was very proud of these young guys who requested to perform as they were not in the itinerary. They wanted to promote this form of work out which worked on team-work, strategy, agility and trust. For our students, this was an achievement in itself.

We had a cake cutting ceremony celebrating those students and staff born on 31 August and 16 September. The usual paraphernalia to celebrate was there - the balloons, the colourful, sparkling confetti, birthday song and blowing party horns. We finally sang the Merdeka theme song -"Sehati Sejiwa" and walked out of the hall with the strains of "Warisan" accompanying the exit. What dampened the day was the back to their lessons that followed after it ....hahaha ... back to reality ... I really felt that it should be a whole day celebration just to get into the mood. But ... exams are just around the corner. The school, teachers and students are already under pressure and stressed for time ...

It was a good celebration. I had always loved celebrating my country's any festival or special days. This would be my last time singing all the patriotic songs publicly with the students. After this ... I guess I would just be glued to the television and celebrate with it ..... ;-))

The students sat in their respective uniform bodies wearing their T-shirts

The finale .... a hall of students singing the theme song "Sehati Sejiwa"

When Words Are Not Enough ....

Ever heard of the phrase "voices in your head"? When there is so much to say but you just cannot find the words? You feel that no explanation fits whatever you are feeling or going through? How do you explain the reasons why you feel so right when it is so wrong? Thus, you keep quiet and keep listening to the voices in your head .... or heart ....

"What do you see in me?" "Why me out of all the many girls that you met in your life?" "What is so special about me that you just cannot let me go?"

We  have all gone through the experiences, heartaches, happiness, emotionally scarred, physically painful, spiritually broken, deceits and lies, broken promises, hopes and wishes .... all these have shaped us and changed our perspectives on life, expectations and dreams. Where we were once so naive, so enthusiastic, full of optimism, full of expectations, full of life, vigour and vitality  .... where have all that gone to? We are what we are now. No longer the person we once knew and had known. The years of separation do nothing to separate us yet we are so different now. The simplicity of getting back together, the ease of spending time talking and rehashing the past, the easy comfort of being in each other's company ....  I guess is due to the fact that we have no expectations of each other anymore.

Sometimes when what you are going through feels so overwhelming that in the silence of the night, being alone with your thoughts and Creator .... you ask questions that you have no answers. At the end of the day all you can do is take a deep breath and just do whatever feels the right thing to be done.

Although it takes so long to fall into place and understanding all that you have gone through ... at least you have made peace with yourself and him. Although there are regrets and wishing that if only you can turn back time  .....

Finally, it is how you make the best of the situation. Whoever we are with right now is meant for us and is the best for us as he/she is chosen by Allah for us. Yet, only He knows what and who is in our hearts. "If you cannot have the one you love, love the one you have..."

View From The Top ....

The new block was completed two years ago but it was only early this year that it was officially ready to be occupied. I was moved here to the first floor which was the new staff room in January. Staff with designated tasks were housed in one staff room for easier organisation. I moved out to my present room when I set up the SAL room. I had never gone up to the fourth and highest floor when I was here at this new block. Thus I did not realise what I had missed.

It was PT3 oral exam last week and we, the teachers involved, were put up here for the silent and conducive environment to conduct the oral test. Last week saw me going up to the fourth floor for the first time. What a view !!!! It was mesmerising ..... here are some of the views. They say pictures speak a thousand words .. maybe this is my way of saying goodbye one day at a time ...

The sun trying to break through a new day on a cloudy morning - view from one end of the corridor

The view of Gunung Jerai (about 40km away) on a cloudy morning ... as one friend said - "Beauiful"

Another aerial view of another side of the school

The main housing estates behind the school sprouting taking over the padi fields bit by bit ...

Another view of another section of the school

The view of the MPV class's mini orchard - they study landscaping & nursery

Another side view of the school

A pathway leading to the new block towards the back of the school. The construction work going on is the renovation of the old surau. I hope to see it completed before I leave this school forever ....

The one hour break during the oral exam gave me the time to wander along the corridor and took photographs with my iPad. I am not a good photographer so I do not do justice to the view. But I am content that I have these simple photos as part of my memory of this school where I have given 25 years of my professional life as a simple, ordinary teacher .... nothing more, nothing less... ;-0))

Alone or Solitude?

Alone  -  on your own. A person or thing that is separate from others. (Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary)

Lonely  -  alone and sad. (Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary)

Solitude  -  the state of being alone, especially when you find this pleasant

Solitary  -  doing things alone; without other people  (Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary)

Both meaning on your own. Whether you enjoy your own self or not. Some people cannot live without having someone with them for company. It is human's nature not to be alone and on its own. No man is an island. By nature, humans are sociable creatures. Some strife in the company of others while some others wilt and melt into the background.

It was an interesting article about alone or solitude. In a crowd of people, amidst the noise and festive atmosphere ... how alone a person feels when he is detached from his emotions. There are times when one just does not want to mingle or be sociable. There are also times when one needs to be in solitude to reflect on what one is feeling, experiencing or understanding.

That is why long, solitary walks are so much welcomed and embraced with an open mind, contentment and comfortable in the mind that one is not subjected to please a companion. Being in the company of oneself is therapeutic and healing. When one's mind is confused and there are so much regrets and unfulfilled wishes, broken promises, lost hopes ..... being one and alone is the best for healing.

Yet, being humans, one has to break from this solitary confinement and get into the act of living. One can be just a shadow of one's former self, yet one finds the strength, support and encouragement to just get up, brush off the cobwebs, dust off the hurts, bury the regrets and pick up the pieces. Once broken or cracked, it can be made whole but the scars and lines will always be there. So, just smile and hide all the pains and sorrows. Its a new day .... a new life ....  a new person ...

Alone but not lonely. Solitude yet the comfortable thought that one is never alone .... ;-]))