A Solo Road Trip - Deferred.

Aborted even before it started. Hmmm ... such little faith my boys had in me. I could only plan but Allah had His reasons and designation. Thus, whatever I had planned for next week had to be deferred. I would not say aborted - but deferred. I would most probably go ahead with it one day.

In the mood that I am in at present, the solo road trip might just end up anywhere. With no definite destination, no prior bookings or any planning ... little wonder the boys were quite apprehensive. I thought of just driving on and on and when I was tired, I would just look up for a budget hotel to rest. The kind of mood where you just wanted to go away by yourself and hibernate for a while. As if I am not alone enough ... ;-}

I read an article about hidden symptoms of depression. Isolation and avoiding friends and families. One only met up with people when necessary. One became a little paranoid and magnified every symptom of pain. One saw things in a negative perspective and became more sensitive towards any comments and opinions. One felt that other people were avoiding him/her. Hmmm ... am I having the early hidden symptoms of depression? At this moment of time, I prefer solitude. I prefer my aloneness. I love my solitary morning walks with my thoughts. I refused to go with my sisters for our annual holidays. I just did not have the urge to travel out of my cocoon and personal sanctuary. As much as I loved them, I just did not want to join in their sojourn. Of course they did not understand and kept pestering until I had to beg them to leave me alone. I had not returned to visit until now. Am I depressed? I fulfilled all my obligations to the best that I could. At this moment of time I am just so tired. Tired of taking care of others while no one takes care of me. Tired of being taken for granted and under appreciated. Tired of always putting others first. Tired of making others happy. Tired of everyone even myself.

Meeting up with an old friend made me felt how much I had missed social interaction. The ability to just talk about anything and the comfortable way when the dear old friend just listened. Yet the feeling of being down was still heavy within me. I am trying to get back the old, happy, carefree me. Where has she gone? Where and when have I buried her? She is there in the recesses of my mind. Sometimes I am just so tired to fight back and just want to let go of everything ...

Is this what is called post pension blues? After years of being needed, wanted and busy ... suddenly you find yourself on the loose end. Yet, I love to stay at home. Taking things slow and doing whatever I like in my own sweet time. Alone. On my own. Am I depressed ???