Mak...(2)

Three days after bapak's death, the land lord wanted his land back and no negotiations. We were given a month to move out. It seemed that Bapak knew this would happen and had prepared the house at Pantai Peringgit. I loved that house. If I had lived in that house - 4078, Peringgit - for 20 years... imagine mak. She had lived there since she got married. She had already lost her pillar of strength and now to be uprooted. She decided to stay with Hamid in Muar. I lost everything. My father and best friend. I was "anak Bapak". There was no home to go home to. Nobody was waiting for me. No weekly letters. If I felt displaced and lost, I couldn't imagine Mak. I was still studying in JB. I had no life then. Every holidays was spent with Mak. I became her daughter, friend, advisor, peace maker, counsellor. She had depended on Bapak for all her married life. I had to teach her how to pay bills. How to go to the bank and withdrew money. How to go and take the bus. Nobody was home. Everybody was busy. I was the only one who had more holidays than the others. The only government worker aka "cikgu".

I broke off the only serious relationship which I had since Form 6. In college, I was friends with everybody but committed to no one. Nobody could open my heart again. There was only Mak now. She was under anti-depressant for most of her life.  She looked weak and fragile but there's strength there. She was just trying very hard to live on her own. She just wanted to be needed. She just wanted to feel loved and wanted. She was so used to live her life for us. Now that we had grown, left home, gotten married, moved away.....she was alone. I emphatised. I gave up my life for her. When I wanted to get married, I was worried about her first. My sister said it was alright. She would take Mak to live with her. I asked Mak if I should get married. It meant that I would not be here near her. She was worried that I might not be happy. Noor was from the kampung and we were pure urbanites. She was afraid I might not get along with my in-laws. Well, now we know who was right. I tried Mak, I really tried to fit in because I didn't want you to be unhappy for me. You had taught me well. I wouldn't want to disappoint you. You understood me better. Most of all, you just loved me for what I am.

Her later years saw her in and out of hospital for a swollen heart. I think it was depression. She had stopped taking her anti-depressant pills. She began to be worried of everything. We took turns taking care of her. I took her back to Alor Setar. She was down to 35kg. When I bathed her I had to be so gentle because I was so afraid she would feel the pain. She was so fragile that I was willing to give anything to see her smiling and taking life easy again. I bought a house for her in Alor Setar. I was willing to leave Noor for her. She knew that and she insisted that she wanted to go back to Melaka. She never wanted to trouble anybody and of course never her children. She used to tell me that her prayers everyday - "Jangan sampai dia menyusahkan anak-anak. Terpaksa bergantung kepada anak-anak." Alhamdulillah. Sehingga ke nafas yang terakhir, dia masih boleh menguruskan diri. Tidak bergantung kepada sesiapa pun. It was her choice to live with the single youngest brother. We might not like it but we respected her choice. By now, she had symptoms of Alzheimer's. She kept forgetting things and said things that hurt my sisters. It nearly created a rift and caused a lot of unhappiness among us. I kept telling them that this was not Mak. We knew Mak better. Towards the end, nobody wanted to come home to visit her. She somehow understood but she could not comprehend.