Labbaikallah humma labbaik..... the preparation.

Noor and I never really talked about this pilgrimage. He prepared his own and I did my own preparations. Financially, we paid our own fares and bore our own expenses. I didn't want to be obliged to him for my journey towards Allah. He had given me so much and the ultimate purpose in a muslim's life is the completion of the fifth tenet of the pillar of Islam. The Haj. I wanted to be blessed by Him. I wanted the best for Him. Not just going for the sake of going. Since He had given me the best in my life, I would like to give the best in return. I told Noor I wanted to take the package offered and not the muassasah. We could afford it so why not? I was willing to spend everything I had for Him. I was very grateful that Noor complied with my requests. We were going for the sake of fulfilling and completing the 5th pillar of Islam. We were going because we had committed so much sins that we were afraid if Allah would not forgive us. We were going because we were invited to be His guest. A humble servant looking for the blessing of the Most Compassionate and the Most Loving of Creator.
 
My plan was to leave the boys with Mak so that they could take care of her. Allah worked in mysterious ways. He took Mak away so that between Noor and I there would be no arguments. He wanted to leave the boys with his family. Thus, I had no choice but to agree. I didn't buy anything or knew what to bring. I followed whatever was given in the manual. I listened and accepted people's suggestions but I followed my heart and common sense. I kept an open mind and just brought whatever I needed. Being a simple person, this was the easiest of preparations. I brought the telekung which Akmal gave me and the one an old friend, Naimah, gave as a farewell gift when she went off to follow her husband.  I was not a pious person. Neither was I religious. I always thought that the Haj was only for people who were good and religious.

I was afraid to go actually. Afraid I might not do it properly. Afraid I might do things wrongly. Afraid of arousing His wrath. Afraid I might just not be able to perform it. Afraid of the real and imagined things. Finally, I decided to numb all my emotions. Buried all my doubts. Put away all the superstitions that I heard. Blanked out any feelings. I shall go as myself. Seorang hamba yang sangat kerdil dan takut akan Penciptanya. Seorang hamba yang pergi hanya untuk mencari keampunan dan keredhaanNya. Seorang hamba yang sangat mengharapkan kerahmatanNya. Seorang hamba yang hanya mampu berserah segala-galanya kepadaNya. Jika Dia merasakan diri ini layak menziarahi tempat Rasulullah saw, kekasihNya, dan layak menjejakkan kaki ke rumahNya di Mekah....maka diri ini akan pergi dengan penuh tawadduk dan tawakkal hanya kepadaNya supaya segala-galanya dipermudahkan.